Not Alone- Part 2

I know i probably should be in bed right now but i have a lot on my mind. I've been doing alot of thinking and reflecting on somethings that God has done recently in my life. So this time it's not a bad thing to have a lot on my mind. I just wish i could articulate what's in my heart better.

Over the past month God has really gone out of His way to prove me and remind me that I'm not fighting this battle alone. There's been many times over the past months (especially this one) where because of how sick i've been and the rest of my situations, I was at the "end of my rope".. i just wanted to stop fighting. And i felt like i couldn't be real with anyone and felt like i was alone in this. But like i said God went out of his way...

a few weeks ago i recieved an unexpected phone call from a girl that i had discipled at Brownsville. After i moved to Charlotte we kept in touch pretty well but then we lost touch for awhile... till out of the blue she calls and leaves a message on my cell phone. To make a VERy long story short God has been putting me on her heart. And the night before she had a prophetic dream about me. I won't go into detail about the dream, i'll just say that from the dream God gave clear direction about how to pray against this disease i'm fighting. In the dream she went into spiritual warfare against the disease and some other things. After she told me about the dream, she said she was up all night praying for me. and that she just wanted to call and tell me that shes praying for me and shes fighting with me and to not give up. So that was totally God.

well then just the other night at church, i was talking with someone who i don't really know too well, at least not yet. and she said that God had put me on her heart and she was praying for me.

I know some of this is small, but it's the smaller things that encouraged me the most, sometimes. God really has been strengthing me heart over the last few weeks. He is so faithful.

Not alone

I've been sitting in my room listening to a song my Jason Upton, "You're not alone", over and over again, for the last few hours. Its the song that plays on the website. I need to get this ingrained in my heart cause i've been really wrestling with alot lately. And it's so tempting to think that I'm alone in this especially right now during the times when God is silent and He seems to be far away. Here are some of the lyrics:

" Sometimes we feel so afraid
Sometimes we feel so lonely
Sometimes we feel confused
Sometimes we feel so helpless
And we don't know what to do

And its hard to believe it
If we never heard the voice of a Father
Saying your name

You're not alone
You're not alone
I never leave you
I never leave you"
(Jason Upton)

I hate making decisions!

I spent some time at my mom's, sorta to get away from everything and think some things over. And after doing some praying and thinking i've reached a decision, that was really hard for me to make. I hate making decisions, especially when it has to do with stepping back from something i dearly love. I've decided that for right now because of my health it's best if i step back from AMT. I'm not completely dropping it, I just can;t continue to make all the meetings. So i'll be doing some things from home now. It's just been too much trying to set up where i'm gonna spend the weekend so i can get to the meeting, and then trying to find a way back home. And it's put alot of extra stress on me.

So this will hopefully only be temporary, until the disability goes through and i can move to Concord. once i'm in Concord then things will be much easier.

Changes are coming soon

I come to another conclusion and this one doesn't have to do with trying to be superwoman. I think i need to make some changes in my life. I can't handle everything right now. Trying to be involved in a few ministry things and fighting this disease at the same time isn't working. The sad part is i'm only involved with 2 things right now, it;s not like i'm doing a million different things all the time. And both things are very dear to my heart... so God's going to have to speak me cause i can't make this decision on my own. So there will be changes coming soon.

I still believe

The new year isn't starting the way i hoped it would. I've had a really rough week. Honestly it;s weeks like this that get me so frustrated about what God has already promised me. It's too the point where part of me would just give up fighting this disease and believing for my miracle. But I can't give up! So i just want to say to God, that i still believe, no matter what.

"Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my soul
I've never felt so torn before seems i don't know where to start
But it's now that i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when i don't see i still believe

Though the questions stil fog up my with promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind it's my heart i see you prepare
but it's now that i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy word
Even when i don't see i still believe

Well the only place i can go is into your arms
Where i throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokeness i can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know that you are here

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when i don't see i still believe"
(I still believe by Jeremy Camp)

Another profound conclusion

yesterday i came to yet another profound conclusion. Are you ready for it?? I'm not superwoman!!! you either are laughing your head off or you probably think i've lost my mind.

Well i had a super busy weekend cause my best friend came to see me from out of town. so by monday morning i was completely wiped out. And on monday i helped out at the school office all day and did the same on tuesday. But tuesday i thought i could be superwoman and lifted one too many heavy boxes full of books. I don't know what i was thinking.. actually i probably wasn't thinking. Well i've been back home since yesterday and have been sick.

So the conclusion i came to was i'm not superwoman and i shouldn't try to be!!!

new year

Just wanted to say happy new year to everyone!