What If...

God's been reminding me of some things He's spoken to me. And i thought that what i'm going to write about might encourage those of you who may be facing a difficult situation.

I always seem to find myself asking the Lord alot of "What if.." questions. You know, "What if this or that happens.." I know I'm not the only person who has asked God these kind of questions. Well one day i had asked Him a rather serious "what if" question and i needed to hear something from Him. I desperately needed some answers. I was facing a serious situation with my health. And i was really scared because i didn't know what was going on. So in my desperation i asked God a serious what if question.

His answer was simply "Hold on". Those were not the words that i wanted to hear. To be honest i was hopeing for something more along the lines of everything will be alright, not hold on.

Those words don't mean that something good will happen, just simpley means to hold on. When i think of holding on i thinking of holding on so i won't fall or something like that. God was just encouraging me to hold tight to him no matter what happens. No matter how bumpy the journey gets or how scary the storm may look, cling to Him.

Believe

God has challenged me to believe Him this year. It's so simple that it can be summed up in that single word. But believing God is alot easier said then done. Sometimes I find myself saying "I'm believing God" for something, when i'm really not believing God. Honestly sometimes i say it jsut because it's the right thing to say and it will appear that i'm being strong and have alot of faith. But the reality is that i was struggling with alot of doubt and unbelief and didn't want to admitt it.

So God's been convicting me about all of this. He's been challengeing me to really believe him and see what He will do. I have no other option but to believe God. It doesn't matter if my world seems to be falling apart, I've got to believe God. I have to believe that He is going to come through for me, even in the midst of my circumstances.

Whistle

This morning i was sitting downstairs drinking my coffee and Reagan, my 2 year old nephew was playing with his cars. He insisted that i play cars with him, so i did. And he was very happy. Well then he found a whistle and started playing with it. He kept blewing it over and over again and wouldn't stop. It's one of those metal whistles that are super loud and high pitch. So i told him to stop and he didn't want to, so he threw the whistle at me. It hit my forehead so hard that it left a mark.

Then after he realized that it hurt me, he came over and kissed my forhead then gave me a hug. And when they were walking out the door, he stopped and said he needed to give me another kiss. so he gave me another kiss and another huge hug. It was so cute!

Brave

" The gate is wide
The road is paved with moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound
And until now it's where i've been
Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's Your love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo, I think I just let go
You make want to be brave
The way it always was is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave

I am small and I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name, just Your name
And I'm ready to jump, even ready to fall
Why did i take this vow of compromise
Why did i try to keep it all inside

I've never knew a fire that didn't begin with a flame
And every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if You believe in me that changes everything

So long status quo, I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave

(Brave by Nichole Nordeman)

Another Exciting Adventure

My life is one big never ending adventure. It seems like there's never a dull moment, especially lately. During the weekend, i started to have a bad reaction to one of the medicine i'm taking. Basically I broke out in a hive like rash that started on my legs and then spread to my arms and now is on my neck and side. And it's still spreading. YUCK! So i had to go the ER on sunday. I really didn't want to but because of all the medicine i'm on i had to.

So i went and it didn't take the doctor long to figure out what was going on. It was an allergic reaction to one of the medicines but he couldn't figure out what one. So in the meantime i'm on another medicine, this one to help with the itching from the rash. And it works but I'm still itchy and it makes me extremely tired, sometimes too tired.

My adventure at the ER didn't last too long, only 2 1/2 hours. And we made it to church just in time for the very end of the message. After church we went to subway cause i hadn't ate dinner yet. And the medicine was started to kick in so i was completely zoneing out and thought i was going to fall asleep.

I've Got a New Song

"And He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:3
This verse is real to me now. About a month ago i woke up with a new song going through my mind. so i went outside with my guitar and my bible, and God gave me a new song. I love writing songs but haven't written much. I've probably only written about 4 now. And all of them have come out of times where i find myself walking through the most hardest and darkness times of my life. Seasons where i've reached the end if myself and feel like i can't go on anymore. It's during these times that God shows Himself faithful and reveals more of Himself to me. So that's how this song came about. here are the lyrics

I will lift my voice to You Jesus

For you have heard my cry
From the depths of my soul
For you have given me life
Life that makes me whole

For you have been strength
The strength that carries me on
For You have been my sheild
My fortress, rock that's so strong

For you are faithful regardless of what i'm going through
So i will lift my voice and worship You

Flip- Flop

Just in case you're wondering, this post is not going to be about "flip flops". Ever since i've been out of the hospital, everything seems to be flipped flopped. Okay i admitt that probably didn't make any sense so let me explain what i mean.

Well before i was in the hospital, even though i was unemployed and sick, i still had somewhat of a schedule, cause i was still trying to look for work. So i would get up at a reasonable hour, the latest by 8 and get going, and would be out of the house alot. Being able to drive then did help alot. Well ever since i've been out from the hospital i have no schedule. I can't work any more and also can't drive, so getting around has it's challenges. And somedays just doing everyday things even around the house gets very challenging for me. So when i'm during the week i end up sleeping into 9, sometimes 11 depending on how i'm feeling. I don't have anywhere to go most of the time so there's no need for me to get up early. But it's still strange for me cause i'm so used to working or at least being able to do normal things.

Yesterday was really weird. I got up about 9ish, and spent most of the day on the phone trying to figure out my bills, and i had alot of time to work on this blog. I didn't get my shower till abotu 6 in the evening and went to church last night, which didn't start till 8. so yesterday i felt really flipped flopped. I need to have somewhat of a schedule or rountine again. It'll drive me crazy soon if i don't figure out something.

I did it!!

It's a miracle!!! I now have a sidebar with the sections i want!!! Thanks to my wonderful and smart friend Bianka for helping me with this. She emailed me about how to make my side bar. I just have to figure out how to make my headlines for my new sections match the rest.

Bye- Bye Princess!

Yesterday was a very sad day, i had to say goodbye to my car, Princess. For those of you who don't know I'm no longer allowed to drive because of my health condition. I could possibly black out while i'm driving, so i'm not allowed to drive for the next 6 months. But during those months i can't have any episodes or close calls, if i do then i guess it starts all over again. So i sincerely doubt that it will only be 6 months. I'm not sure when i'll be driving again.

So i sold my car yesterday. It seems like the right thing to do cause i can't drive and can't pay the insurance on it. I really miss my car already and miss driving soo much. I haven't driven in almost of month. Honestly it seems like an eternity to me. It's really hard to adjust to having to be dependant on others to get you where you need to go. I'm a pretty independant person and don't like depending on others or even asking for help, even if i need it. So it's not easy right now. And this simple little thing, not being able drive, has been killing my independance even more. Which i guess is not a bad thing.

By the way the reason i named my car princess, was because it was the nicest and prettiest car i've every had. It even had leather seats. So i felt like a princess driving it. So what other name should i give my car expect for " Princess".

Oh the Confusion!

I'm still trying to set up this blog the way i want it. Thanks to some help from my friend Bianka, i now have a links section, but still can't figure out for the life of me how to get the other sections i want on my sidebar. And i can't figure how to get the spacing right on my sidebar either. I've just spent over an hour trying to figure it out and i've very confused right now. I needed a break from all of it so i'm writing a post, the only thing i'm sure of how to do on this blog. Oh the confusion!!!!

Once i'm not confused anymore and i figure out how to add sections to my sidebar, i'll have a " Thought of the Week" and " Other Blogs" section. And if there's still room i'll put a "Psalm of the week". So hopefully soon this blog will be like i want it to be.

Interesting Day

Well i'm still trying to figure this blogging stuff out, i have alot of different ideas but still haven't finished my side bar yet. Hopefully it will be done soon.

Today has been a rather interesting day. My alarm went off at 7 but i realized i didn't have to get up till 8 so decided to sleep more. But my adorable nephews were making alot of noise downstairs so i couldn't go back to sleep. But that was okay cuase i went downstairs and saw my nephews who i haven't seen in a few weeks. That doesn't seem like too long to most people but keep in mind i live with them. Even though i loved the peace and quiet while they were gone, i missed them alot and am glad they're back from vacation. they're sooo cute.

I had my disability interview this morning. This is the offical interview where they file your application for you. I was sorta nervous cause there's alot of questions and i have to have alot of different forms and papers. But it went really well. And now i'm just waiting, might be waiting for a long time. It'll take at least 90 days to hear something from them. The good thing is that they might back up my disability date to July 2003, that is when i started getting sick. If they decide to do that then i'll recieve back pay from that date till the date my disability goes through. so that would be a really good thing.

So far i've gotten alot of thing done, which is a miracle for me. Before my interview i made a bunch of phone calls that i had to make and got a lot of situations straighten out. Yippee!! And i'm working on my blog!!! so this might be a productive day!

So Much

I love writing but the problem is i can't make up my mind what to write about first. I do have quite an interesting life for only being 26. There's never a dull moment. well at least that's how it is for the most part. But now since i'm not able work and can't drive, I'm home alot more and have alot more time on my hands then i know what to do with.

Thinking of Someday

Have you ever gone through a time of your life where you can't understand why certain things have happened or are happening? Or instead of a circumstance getting better, it only continues to get worse? Or where you have millions of questions that go unanswered, no matter how hard you search for the answers?

For the past few years that's how my life has been. Things have happened in my life that i can make no sense out of. I can't comprehend why God has allowed certain things to happen in my life. there are times that it's hard to find God in the middle of all the circumstances that I'm facing, but i know He's there. And that i know that "someday" everything will make sense. All my unanswered questions of why, will be answered someday when i see Him face to face. So that's the hope i have. Everything i have gone through and am currently going through will someday be worth it. It gives me tremendous peace and hope to know that someday everything will be alright.

Someday

" I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More then ever I'm ready to say that
I will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me

Until someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting for
Someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can't help but wonder
And dream about the other side

Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More then hald of every whole
Rests in the hand that hold you for someday

Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting for
Someday

(Someday by Nichole Nordeman)