Theme Song

I've discovered another song that describes my life and the way i feel about it right now. So it's now my new theme song! If you want to hear it you can go to my myspace..www.myspace.com/gracefulprincess.

The cool thing about this song is that it reinforces what one of my leaders told me the other day. We were talking about my current situation and he said that I amaze him because i've been through more stuff then anyone he knew and yet i'm still standing.

Here are the lyrics:

all my hopes and dreams inside
visions lurk behind my eyes
something new behind it grows
and You smile as my heart knows
to be another still with You
I'm the one that loved You through
but I'm still nothing next to You
I'm still ntohing next to You
what I've seen and where I've been
what's breaking out and breaking in
who I love and I despise
melting into compromise
how I've changed and how I've learned
becoming less becoming more
and I'm still nothing next to you
I'm still nothing next to you

the sickness my mind's battled long
the center of my every song
the beauty of my voice it fades
into a spiritual cascade
flowing form Your perfect smile
I've avoided all the while
but I'm still nothing next to you
I'm still nothing next to you
all the future seems unclear
never moving never near
but You hold me as I scream
wake me from my wicked dream
something out there waits for me
hand in hand we wait for it
but I'm still nothing next to You
I'm still nothing without to You

and the wonder of it all is I'm still standing
and the wonder of it all is we're still standing
never planned it
and I wonder where I'll be next year

will You stand right next to me
will You hold me faithfully
should I question all these things
what makes me so deserving
of something that I've thrown away
coming back for me today
when I'm still nothing next to You
I'm still nothing next to You
hearts are broken just to mend
when will my brokenness end
lending my mind to dreams it seems
some things are never meant to be
but faith it lingers as I die
inside surrending I cry
I'm still nothing next to You
I'm still nothing without You

time is a broken dream
time is and endless change
time is and offering
time has and endless sting
time has a world to bring
time, it's a broken dream
mended while lovers sing
(Wonder of it All by Monday Morning)

What's Next???

The last few weeks have been full of excitment which has now turned to chaos and confusion. Last week the disability finally went through (thank the Lord) but this week i got a letter from Social Security saying that they're canceling my SSI because i'm on disability. And to make matters much worse i got a letter yesterday from Medicaid saying that they might cancel the medicaid because SSI was canceled.

I'm completey floored right now and confused all at the sametime. God only knows what will happen next.

My Strength

" I don't know what to do

I don't know what to say

All i know is that i love You Lord

And i'm with You all the way



So come, just come Lord to me

So come, just come Lord to me



When my world is caving in

And i'm surrounded by my fears

It is You that i hold onto

It is You that wipes my tears



So come, just come Lord to me

So come, just come Lord to me



I find my strength in quietness and trust

I find my peace in the shadow of the cross"

(My Strength by Adam Miller)



Well it's been another rough week, and honestly at this point i don't know how much more of this i can take. I'm so frustrated and fed up with being sick. I want my life to be normal again!!!! I started to black out at Bath&Body Works today while i was waiting in line. I was really shakey and just started to collaspe.. it scared my mom half to death as well as myself. I just don't know what to do anymore... and when it comes to praying i've been speechless cause i'm just so frustrated. How can i keep fighting this when i just don't have the strength anymore? I get to this point alot or at least it seems like i do, and i always push myself to not give in and give up. But what do you do when you're at the point where you can't push yourself anymore? Sorry to sound so down or whatever you want to call it, but i can't keep acting like i'm doing fine cause i'm not right now. I really need God to move in my life.. something's gotta happen soon.

Sleep is a wonderful thing

Well i had a great post i wanted to post on my xanga but for some reason they're having techinical difficulties, so i'm posting it here first. i've come to another exciting conclusion and want to share it with the rest of the world.. Sleep is a wonderful thing!! Over the past few days i've been getting some good sleep.. the kind where you wake up refreshed instead of feeling exhausted like you never went to sleep (thats how i normally feel). I consider myself lucky when i can get a few hours of sleep a night. So being able to sleep 5 hours straight in a row and then wake up and go back to sleep for a few more hours, and still wake up feeling good, has been a tremendous blessing. I'm really enjoying this, i don't know how long it'll last. It's amazing how much of a difference getting some good sleep really makes. I love sleeping now!!

Hallelujah

"Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've have fallen so hard, sometimes i feel so far
But I'm not beyond Your reach
I could climb a mountain, swim the ocean, or do anything
But it's when You hold me, that I start unfolding
And all that i can say is

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I choose to sing Hallelujah

The same sun that rises overs castles and welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into streets where oprhans play
And only You can see the good in broken things
You took my heart of stone, and You made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah
Hallellujah, Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I choose to sing Halleljuah'
(Halleljuah by Bethany Dillon)

I heard this song for the first time yesterday and it quickly has become the cry of my heart. I want to be able to praise God in the good times and the bad. That's one thing that i've learned during what has been the most difficult season of my life. Take for example the past few days, some major good things have happened and i have rejoiced and praised God (i'm still am). But today i woke up with a horrible migraine and feel miserable... but i still can praise God because He's been so faithful to me.

Disability Battle is OVER!

Today is such a happy day.. it's turning into a happy week!! I found out yesterday that the medicaid went through. And i found out this morning that the disability went through. So the long battle of trying to get disability and medicaid is offically over!!! Thank You Jesus! God is so incredibley faithful!! Thanks everyone for your prayers they mean alot to me!

I Like This Quote

Sorry that I haven't been keeping this blog updated. My life is pretty complicated right now. I just wanted to post this qoute i found tonight. It's really good and would be a great way to live life.

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say" I'm bigger then you. You cannot defeat me." ( Ann Landers)

Day at the Dentist

Today has been quite an interesting one. I spent the morning at the dentist. I haven't been to a dentist in a LONG time, not because i'm avoiding it but because i don't have insurance and can't afford it. Well i went today because i chipped a tooth and i'm having problems with my wisdom teeth, and all of that has been causing me severe pain.

So I found out today that the tooth i chipped has to be extracted for a few reasons, one there's not much left of it... it's a big chunk missing, and two there's a bad infection in the root. So i'm now on antibotics 4 x's a day.. more pills!! So i'm being sent to an oral surgeon, next wednesday to get the tooth extracted.

The other reason they're sending me to the surgeon is because of my heart problems and all the medicines i'm on. and I also have to take antibotics before i have ANY dental work done including getting a cleaning because there is a risk i can get a bad infection because of my heart.

So i did find out alot today but i'm not looking forward to next week.. it's gonna be painful. Afterwards i have to decide if i want to get a dental implant to replace my tooth. And i'll also find out if i need to get my wisdom teeth removed.

So much to look forward too...(i'm being sarcastic)

The battle may be over soon!!

The long battle concerning my disability maybe over soon!!! I got a call today from Social Security Disability office. To make a long story short.. the lady i talked to said she is going to get the dr who is making the final decision, to make his decision TODAY!! So i may be finding out sometime this week!! It would be so great if the disability goes through today or even tomorrow. I applied last June and finally heard something back from them last month. And now i got my congressman involved, so that's why i think they're trying to rush it through and get me approved. so please be praying for me!! Thanks!

Driving

Oh how I wish I could drive.. especially today. I haven't been allowed to drive since last May and I'm still not used to it. And there are days like today that i really miss driving and being able to get to where i need to be, and not having to depend on others for rides all the time. Like said today is one of those days cause there's a dinner for the youth leaders tonight but i still haven't been able to find a ride out there. So it looks like unless a miracle happens i won't be going. I was really looking forward to it. UGHHHH!!

Sorry that this is more of a venting post and not real positive but I'm extremely frustrated right now about my limitations.

AHHH!!!

You know the feeling when you get novacane at the denist.. and they stick that needle in your gum/jaw?? Well that's how this pain is feeling right now. I just want to scream cause it hurts so bad. I think it has something to do with my wisdom teeth but i'm not totally sure. And the bad news is that i don't have dental insurance so i can't go find out because i don't have the money. But i've been in ALOT of pain lately. today the pain's been all day and is worse when i attempt to eat or drink something. So today hasn't been much fun. i've been taking darvacet for the pain and it hasn't been working that well. I'm waiting for more medicine to kick in so i can sleep otherwise i'll be up all night.

on a lighter note... Youth went really well tonight!!! the whole night was just great, especially when we split up in our groups. We split the younger and older teens up. I'm with the 14 and up group. And after we talked about the parable we've been doing, we started talking about the presence of God. and we went around and shared about a time in our life that we felt the presence of God. The kids were really being honest and opened up. It was soo awesome!!! Thank you Jesus!

Not Alone- Part 2

I know i probably should be in bed right now but i have a lot on my mind. I've been doing alot of thinking and reflecting on somethings that God has done recently in my life. So this time it's not a bad thing to have a lot on my mind. I just wish i could articulate what's in my heart better.

Over the past month God has really gone out of His way to prove me and remind me that I'm not fighting this battle alone. There's been many times over the past months (especially this one) where because of how sick i've been and the rest of my situations, I was at the "end of my rope".. i just wanted to stop fighting. And i felt like i couldn't be real with anyone and felt like i was alone in this. But like i said God went out of his way...

a few weeks ago i recieved an unexpected phone call from a girl that i had discipled at Brownsville. After i moved to Charlotte we kept in touch pretty well but then we lost touch for awhile... till out of the blue she calls and leaves a message on my cell phone. To make a VERy long story short God has been putting me on her heart. And the night before she had a prophetic dream about me. I won't go into detail about the dream, i'll just say that from the dream God gave clear direction about how to pray against this disease i'm fighting. In the dream she went into spiritual warfare against the disease and some other things. After she told me about the dream, she said she was up all night praying for me. and that she just wanted to call and tell me that shes praying for me and shes fighting with me and to not give up. So that was totally God.

well then just the other night at church, i was talking with someone who i don't really know too well, at least not yet. and she said that God had put me on her heart and she was praying for me.

I know some of this is small, but it's the smaller things that encouraged me the most, sometimes. God really has been strengthing me heart over the last few weeks. He is so faithful.

Not alone

I've been sitting in my room listening to a song my Jason Upton, "You're not alone", over and over again, for the last few hours. Its the song that plays on the website. I need to get this ingrained in my heart cause i've been really wrestling with alot lately. And it's so tempting to think that I'm alone in this especially right now during the times when God is silent and He seems to be far away. Here are some of the lyrics:

" Sometimes we feel so afraid
Sometimes we feel so lonely
Sometimes we feel confused
Sometimes we feel so helpless
And we don't know what to do

And its hard to believe it
If we never heard the voice of a Father
Saying your name

You're not alone
You're not alone
I never leave you
I never leave you"
(Jason Upton)

I hate making decisions!

I spent some time at my mom's, sorta to get away from everything and think some things over. And after doing some praying and thinking i've reached a decision, that was really hard for me to make. I hate making decisions, especially when it has to do with stepping back from something i dearly love. I've decided that for right now because of my health it's best if i step back from AMT. I'm not completely dropping it, I just can;t continue to make all the meetings. So i'll be doing some things from home now. It's just been too much trying to set up where i'm gonna spend the weekend so i can get to the meeting, and then trying to find a way back home. And it's put alot of extra stress on me.

So this will hopefully only be temporary, until the disability goes through and i can move to Concord. once i'm in Concord then things will be much easier.

Changes are coming soon

I come to another conclusion and this one doesn't have to do with trying to be superwoman. I think i need to make some changes in my life. I can't handle everything right now. Trying to be involved in a few ministry things and fighting this disease at the same time isn't working. The sad part is i'm only involved with 2 things right now, it;s not like i'm doing a million different things all the time. And both things are very dear to my heart... so God's going to have to speak me cause i can't make this decision on my own. So there will be changes coming soon.

I still believe

The new year isn't starting the way i hoped it would. I've had a really rough week. Honestly it;s weeks like this that get me so frustrated about what God has already promised me. It's too the point where part of me would just give up fighting this disease and believing for my miracle. But I can't give up! So i just want to say to God, that i still believe, no matter what.

"Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my soul
I've never felt so torn before seems i don't know where to start
But it's now that i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when i don't see i still believe

Though the questions stil fog up my with promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind it's my heart i see you prepare
but it's now that i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy word
Even when i don't see i still believe

Well the only place i can go is into your arms
Where i throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokeness i can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know that you are here

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when i don't see i still believe"
(I still believe by Jeremy Camp)

Another profound conclusion

yesterday i came to yet another profound conclusion. Are you ready for it?? I'm not superwoman!!! you either are laughing your head off or you probably think i've lost my mind.

Well i had a super busy weekend cause my best friend came to see me from out of town. so by monday morning i was completely wiped out. And on monday i helped out at the school office all day and did the same on tuesday. But tuesday i thought i could be superwoman and lifted one too many heavy boxes full of books. I don't know what i was thinking.. actually i probably wasn't thinking. Well i've been back home since yesterday and have been sick.

So the conclusion i came to was i'm not superwoman and i shouldn't try to be!!!

new year

Just wanted to say happy new year to everyone!