Christmas list

I've got a small problem... Mrs Sherry wants me to make a christmas list for her and i don't know what i want for Christmas. So this sounds absolutely crazy but i don't put much thought into what i want anymore because there's been so many medical bills to pay and other things that i need, that normally that takes priority over what i want. And my mom always gives me money and tells me i have to use it for bills and things i need. It's been like this for awhile now.

so i'm sitting here trying to think of what i want so i can give her a list. So far i've only come up with 2 things.

"All Is Well"

I just finished listening to "All is Well: A Christmas miracle in July", by Frank Peretti. It's a story that my mom would make us kids listen to every Christmas while we were eating breakfast, before we could open any presents. To sum up the story its about a single mom and her daughter and she is struggling to make ends meet, life is far from all is well. Well they run out of money and God provides. there's more to it then just that but you have to listen to it. Anyway in the beginning of the story Frank Peretti says something that really hits home with me right now. Here's the qoute:

"All is well... do we really see it that way? Sure Christmas time we believe it but all too often nothing is well. I guess it all depends on where you're standing and how good the view is from there."( Frank Peretti)

That's how i feel right now. I couldn't have said it any better or plainer then that. Right now i just can't see past some things in my life that are going on right now. There's just way too much. But even though i may not be able to see that "All is well", there's still this little hope that somehow, someway everything will work out. And all will be well.

Christmas Letter

Well on my agenda for the day was to send my Christmas cards out and write a christmas letter. The cards are easy cause i send ecards, so i just have to choose the one i want hit send for the most part. I'm about halfway done with the christmas cards. The Letter on the other hand is rather difficult. It's requireing more of me then i thought i would. Well i finally formatted the pictures, so it looks great, now i just have to write the letter part, which is the hardest part for me. I just don't know exactly what to say. UGH!!

My Life

I don't have much to say today, nothing real profound, just that i'm extremely frustrated with my life right now. And the things that i'm frustrated about are the things that i cannot change and have no control over. Oh how i wish i could have a simple life again, how did life get so complicated, to the point of being overwhelming with problems? Right when something starts looking like it might get resolved or a bit improved.. bam.. i get hit with something else. I really don't understand it. I;ve already decided that i'm not giving up... but i am growing majorally tired and like i said frustrated.

All My Praise

All My Praise
Word and music by Audrey Hatcher

I will follow You through green pastures
And sing hallelujah to Your Name
I will follow You through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain
And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You are seated on Your throne in heaven
And You see all of us down here
And You have promised You will not abandon
So I shall not fear
And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You made every star
And You taught it how to shine
You knew my name before there was time
And all this was just part of Your glorious design
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Few More Days

Last night I had one of my vent sessions with God cause right now i just don't understand why somethings are going on in my life. Take for example this week I've been in severe pain to the point where i wasn't able to get out of bed and on top of things, i blacked out a few times. I'm already having a hard enough time trying to handle and fight this disease now i've got to deal with back issue.. what's up with that? So i've been asking the Lord the question.. How Long?? How many more mornings do i have to wake up so weak that i black out or that i'm in so much pain that i can;t move? How many more sleepless nights because of pain? How many days of taking endless pills that don;t help but only make me sick? I can go on forever.. but you know where i'm going with this,, how long? Well He answered me... " Just a few more days" I don't know what he means by just a few more days. A few more days to him could be longer then what we think of, but it is still very encouarging! And it gives me much hope to keep pressing in till it happens!

Believe Me Now

"I watch you looking out
Across the raging water
So sure your only hope
Lies on the other side
You hear the enemy
That’s closing in around you
And I know
That you don’t have the strength to fight
But do you
Have the faith to stand (and)

Believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe me now

I am the one who waved my hand
And split the ocean
I am the One
Who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I’ve loved you long before
I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you’re feeling now
But do you remember who I am?

Will you believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now

Believe it’s true
I have never I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now

I am the God
Who never wastes a single hurt
That you endure
My words are true
And all My promises are sure
So believe me now
Oh believe me now

So believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe it’s true
I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now
Believe me now
Believe me now
Believe Me Now"

(Believe Me Now by Steven Curtis Champman)

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day and enjoys time with their family and friends!! I know i have alot to be thankful for, maybe i'll post something more about that later cause i don't have much time now, cause we have company over.

Lessons from a Little Chicken

Well i saw Chicken Little yesterday and absolutely loved it. Not just because it was funny and cute ( it really was) but i really learned somethings. I'm not sure how else to put it.

for those of you who saw the movie, there was one pharse that Chicken Little kept saying throughout the movie especally during the beginning. "Today is a new day". Well for some reason that's been sticking with me. It made me think of a few scriptures, like " this is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it" and the verse that talks about the Lord's mercies being new every morning. So today (or should i say tomorrow cause it's in the middle of the night as i'm writing this) is a new day. And it doesn't matter what kind of situation i find myself in. It doesn't matter if i'm sick and sometimes feel like i have no strength to fight, each day is a new day, and i can find something to rejoice in. God is still God and He is still good! He is always faithful regardless and his mercies are new every morning!!!

So Today is a new day!!!

Update

I just realized how long it's been since i posted something new on my blog... sorry. I can't use the excuse that i don't have enough time cause i have plenty of it. It's been hard keeping up with everything. I'm still getting things together for the medicaid hearing.. that is extremely stressful and frustrating. Then i'm i'm involved with the Alumni team and helped out at the offices a couple days a week. Which may not sound like much but for me is alot. Then add working with the youth.and throw in having a chronic illness and other health problems.. so if you add everything up it just gets complicated.

I can't remember my life ever being simple or ever having a "normal" life. I don't know what " normal" even feels like right now. Sometimes i wonder if my life will ever be simple again. I know that someday it will but that "someday" maybe a long time from now so till then I need much more grace. right now i'm just venting and probably not making any sense, so i hope you don't mind.

Conclusions

So yesterday was my birthday.. I'm now 27 believe it or not!!! I feel so old now!!! So i had a pretty good day yesterday, it was better then past birthdays so i'm glad about that. so here are some conclusions i'm came to from my birthday yesterday, in no particluar order:

1. it's no fun being alone on the night of your birthday

2. When you're trying to move a glider rocking chair, don't reach underneath it becuase your hand will get stuck.

3. If your hand is stuck and smushed in between the glider rocker it's a good thing to know what to do to get it unstuck, other wise it hurts more

4. If you play SuperMarioCarts long enough, you;ll eventally win!!

Random Thoughts

today has been very random. I got up much earlier then normal and actually got things done inspite of not feeling well. I had a mean bill collector call me that i had to deal with, which is random cause i dealt with the same one last week. And i cut my hair cause i was bored. Then i tried a bunch of clothes on in hopes of finding something to wear on Friday night, when my AMT friends take me out for my b-day. So today has been random.

Tunnel

Well God has done alot in me during the last weekend, and a major thing he did was put fresh hope in me that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Well last night i heard this song for the first time and i almost couldn't believe my ears cause this hits so close to home, and is part of what God has been speaking to be so here are the words. It's song "Tunnel" from the new Third Day Cd. This song spoke loads of things to me.


"I won’t pretend to know what you’re thinking
And I can’t begin to know what you’re going through
And I won’t deny the pain that you’re feeling
But I’m gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I told you
So much you’re living for

There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
There;s a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinning bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holding on…

You got your disappointments and sorrows
And you oaught share the weight of that load with me
And you will find that the light of tomorrow
Will bring you new life for your eyes to see
So remember what I told you
So much you’re living for

There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
For you , for you
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinning bright at the end of this tunnel
For you for you
So keep holding on.."

Why.. Why.. Why

Why.. seems to be the only question i can ask lately, especially God.
Like how come lately every time i try to do make something right and try to do the right thing, it goes wrong, and blows up in my face?? I asked this question and cried about it about ten minutes ago after having a horrible conversation with a bill collector on the phone. It was a nightmare. See i got a letter in the mail today saying that they would clear half of my debt if i would pay the rest in full, well obviously becuase of my situation there is no way on this earth that that can happen right now. So i decided to call and be honest with this person and tell them the whole sitatuion as calmly as possibly and see what happens.

Well Credit debt collectors are different then medical bill debt collectors. the medical bill people understand a bit that you are sick and you are limited. These credit debit collectors are literally from the pit of hell, or at least it seem like this one was. Cause here i was trying to be as nice and calm as i could be. And this guy had the nerve to blame me for being, and was basically accusing me of making everything up. Why in the world would i make this up, let alone put myself through so a living hell. Sorry but that's what it's been like most of the time

So today has been a nightmare and i would like it to be over right now!!!!

Spirit Move in me!!!

Come Holy Spirit, move in this place
We're at your mercy
We need Your grace
You are welcome
You are welcome

(song is by among thorns)

I heard this song last night before i went to bed and i couldn't stop listening to it. It's so simple but it's really the cry of my heart right now. I need God to move in me right now.

Ode to Holly

You're probably wondering who Holly is? Well Holly is the funny cat that is laying down on my desk, right next to my laptop as i'm writing this. She seems to be a littl bit jealous right now cuase as soon as i logged on she started pacing the floor by me and kept meowing, then when i didn't do anything she jumped up on my desked and walked on acrossed my laptop. She's funny and interesting kitty but cute.

The Desloges have been gone for the weekend so i've been cat sitting, so it's been interesting to say the least. I have a lot of funny cat stories. Like yesterday, Holly decided she wanted to play hide and seek, well not exactly. She had got in my closet without me knowing it and i closed it and went back downstairs for awhile. Well a couple hours later there was no sign or sound of Holly anywhere, so i started looking for her even went outside. i almost freaked out cause i couldn't find her anywhere, it would be horrible if the Desloges came back home and their kitty was missing. Anyway i went back upstairs and had to get something out of my closet and out jumps Holly and scares me half to death.

Then today i came downstairs and when i came in the kitchen she was on the kitchen table drinking the water out of the fish bowl. This was the 4th time I caught her doing this during the weekend. she doesn't like the fish but for some reason she likes the water in the fish bowl better then her water in her bowl. She is strange cat.

Now she's laying on my desk with her tail partly on my laptop so its hard for me to type. Anyway i should go for now the desloges should be back soon, holly will be sooo happy!!!

Waiting Game is OVER!!!!

The Waiting Game is OVER!!! I'm am so happy right now, i could be bouncing off the walls if i had the energy. my dr called me today to tell me that both of the biopies came back fine!!! So everything is ok, which means no skin cancer!!!! YIPEE!!! Thank You Jesus!! Bless the Lord cause He's always so faithful, even when things get really scary! I'm so relieved right now!! I haven't had a good report in a long long time, so this feels great!!!! And i'm enjoying it very much!

So take that devil!!! the devil is such a loser!!!!!

Just don't get it

Well I just don't get it sometimes, well actually most of the time. I have alot of things going on in my life that are not good, alot of things that are out of my control. I've been fighting a incurable life threatening disease for the past 2 years now, and that whole situation has caused so much kaos in my life.

Well last week i was at the dr's and had to have 2 moles removed and both were biopsied becaused they looked like early cancer. And there's a spot on my leg that;s a keratois, sorta like a mole but it's pre cancerous. Anyway now i'm waiting for the results from the biopsies. so i don't know what to think about all this except that i'm pretty scared right now.

I already have so much going on in my life and i don't need this right now. So that's why i titled this i just don't get it. i so don't get the timing of things that happened in our lives, it's so beyond me right now. And to confuse me even more, this is all happening at the end of my 40 daniel fast. This is not what i was expecting to happen during my fast, I'm fasting for my healing and breakthrough, not for more attack to happen. I just really frustrated right now. So i could use some prayer. Thanks!

Bianka is here!

It's soo good to have Bianka back for awhile!!! I've miss her so much! And it was great to see her on thursday night!! Hopefully soon we'll have some time to catch up with each other lives. Bianka's always been a wonderful friend to me and has helped me throught alot!

Well about what i've been upto today... not much. It's one of those days where it's hard to get motivated, mainly becuase it's so gloomy and rainy outside and it doesnt help that i'm not feeling good and i'm tired too. All that mixed together makes it hard to get anything done. I did accomplish a few things like one load of laundry and i called my high school to update my profile for the alumni directory. i recently got a postcard about it in the mail. It's really scary cause it'll be 10 years in 2007 since i've gradutated high school. That's so crazy!! I'm getting so old!

The other thing i did was work on my medicaid stuff that i have to get together for the hearing that i still don't know when it is. That's another situation that is just frustrating me right now. There's just so much stuff that i have to know, it's nuts.

Well i'm going go for now! Have a great day!

Bianka is coming!!!

Bianka is coming on Wednesday!!!! I'm so excited that one of my best friend's is coming back!!!! She's from Germany and went to BRSM with me, graduated a semester after me and went back to germany a year or so ago. She hasn't been gone for too long but it feels like forever, especially when your used to talking with her when ever you want to or giving her a big hug whenever you see her. Well i plan to give her a big hug when i see her on thursday. I can't wait!!!!

Cloudy

It's been really cloudy today, especially right now. It's kinda how i feel about my life right now,nothing is clear and there is alot of things that are uncertian, and are cloudy right now. I don't like it when life gets like this.

Well tomorrow i'm off to the dr's again, this time it's not about the NCS but something else that i can't go into detail about yet. So just be praying for me tomorrow. Thanks!

Halfway

Well I'm offically halfway through my forty day daniel fast, I've got 20 days to go.
This has been one of the hardest things i've have ever done in my life.I feel like i'm getting no where, cause i keep hitting these walls. I know i'm doing the right thing by pressing in but it's frustrating when you keep running into the same walls over and over again.

When i find the time to spend in prayer i cant focus and i'm totally distracted by a million things, it seems like... walls... walls...

What i would like to do

Awhile ago i had short conversation with my mom. She asked me what i was going to do that day, so i told her nothing. But being my sarcastic self i said maybe i might borrow my sister's car, just start driving somewhere, maybe i'll take a road trip today or go on a shopping spree. Obviously i was just being sarcastic about that but this got my brain thinking of what i would really want to do if i had no limitations. Some of these ideas are maybe crazy, silly or really out there while others maybe on the serious side. So here's my list i have so far, in no certian order.

1. Road trip around the country, visit every state
2. Travel around the world to visit my friends that are missionaries
3. Travel to Lithuania ( i bet you didn't know i was Lithuanian)
4. Play the piano at Cargnie Hall, preferably leading worship
5. Learn Ballet
6. Go hiking in Scotland
7. Travel to Syndey and meet United Live

these few are the beginning, i'll be adding more as i think of them

Stain Glass Masquerade

"Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feelin so small?
Cause when i take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover that i don't belong

So i tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If i make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way i see them

Are happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples?
With walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open to every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am i the only one who's traded in the altar for a stage?
The performace is convincing and we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching cacn we really fall apart

But would it set me free if i dared to let you see
the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay

(Stain Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns)

busy

Well this week should be a busy week for me, one that i'm not looking forward too.
Tomorrow i have to go reapply for Medicaid and then after that i have an appointment with my cardiologist, that should be fun. I'm being sarcastic. Then i'm going back to my mom's house, that part i'm looking forward to. But i'll have to miss my AMT meeting. Then tuesday i;ll be helping mom unpack her house probably. And then wednesday i have another wonderful dr's appointment, this time with a neurologist. I really don't want to go to that one either. And wednesday night if i'm not too tired from all the dr's visits, i'll be going to youth.

So that's part of my week, the rest i havent' planned out yet. Michael Rowan, he was my youth pastor in pensacola, is going to be in town this weekend and i want to go see him but i'm not sure how i'm going to get there yet. I don't like not being able to drive, it really bugs me

Still not much

Well i still don't have much to say. But i'm working on a couple different posts to add on here so it shouldn't be much longer before i post something more interesting.

Nothing new has happened today, pretty uneventful. After having so many eventful days it's nice to have a few uneventful ones. Anyway right now i'm really tired so i'm just babbling on and on, about random things. so good night everyone!

Pressing In

Wow!! Last night at Fire was amazing, actually that doesn't quite describe all that happened with me. God completely changed my life last night. For those of you weren't there Lou Engle spoke and he talked about alot of good things, like dreaming big. And he told alot of stories of how God has brought things to pass in his life. then he said something that to me is completely life changing. He was talking about breaking bad habits and stuff like that, and siad that if you pray everyday and really press in, for 40 days, that something will break ( bad habits) and God will give you a breakthrough. well when he said that he also told a few stories of times when people have been led by the Lord to press in hard for 40 days and they incredible breakthroughs in their lives.

Well i don't have many bad habits in my life but i am desperate for a breakthrough in my life, especially with my health. Last year God promised me that my breakthrough was coming and i still believe that it is even though there has been no sight of it. Iv'e pressed in for about 2 years now and have fought as hard as i can but instead of this disease getting better things have gotten worse and it's really scary right now. I've been wanting to go on somekind of fast and i feel that right now is the time for me to do it. I've been so frustrated with my life that part of me just doesn't want to fight anymore, and just give up. But last night i realized that i can't do that, and i've gotta keep fighting like i've never fought before. My life really does depend on it.

If anyone is reading this right now and is going through stuff and just wants to give up, don't!!! Keep fighting the good fight of faith! Hang in there, Jesus is faithful!!!

Cry Out to Jesus

I heard Third Day's new song last night and i really think it's perfect for what's going in the Southeast. It's really encouraging. Here are the lyrics:

" To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all the people with burdens and pains
keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
they lost all of their faith in love
They done all they can do to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you came back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame and your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus"
(Lyrics and music by Third Day)

The Sock Monster

Today i made a discovery!!! Have you ever wondered where you socks goes when you can't find them after being in the dryer? Well I discovered that there really is a sock monster and it lives in the Delsoge's dryer, and it may be in yours as well. I know that this is probably histrical and you probably think i've lost my mind mind, but i'm being serious, i haven't lost my mind. There really is a sock monster, dryer's really do eat socks and i have proof of it. The sock monster in my dryer favorite snack is my favorite socks, blue socks with little rubber duckies on them.

This is how i made this discoverey. Last night i was doing my laundry and my clothes were in the dryer, so i thought i would check on them cause sometimes they don't dry right. Well i opened up the dryer door and the lint screen was in the dryer and all of my clothes were tightly twisted and wrapped around it. It was actually funny cause they were so twisted so tight that i could barely get them undone. Well i thought that whole thing was kinda strange, then the dryer wouldn't go back on. so i left it over night and tried it this morning and it still wouldn't work. So Dr' Joe took the dryer apart to find out what was going on. and guess what he discovered, the sock monster, this dryer really eats socks. My blue sock with the rubber duckies on it was stuck in the blower part of the dryer. The funny part of it was that if it would of stayed there, it would eventualy have come back up through the lint screen thing. so i guess the sock monster might have acid reflux or something like that.

So beware if you;re missing a sock or two, you might have a sock monster living in you dryer.

Beautiful Day

Oh what a beautiful day! I haven't been outside yet but it looks so pretty out. I'm feeling much better today then i was yesterday! Thank You Jesus! I like life much better when i'm feeling good!

Another Day

Well today was one of those days that i wish will never happened again. I was so sick today. I did;t fall asleep till about 3 and woke up with a migraine. So i thought my blood pressure was high but it was really low this morning. Later on it went really high. So i was throwing up all day, it wasn't fun. Everytime i would try to eat something i wouldn't be able to keep it down. Yucky!

I was so tempted to go to the Er cause i just wanted some relief. I don't have medicine that works for migraines, and i couldn't keep anything down anything. I probably should of gone but i didn't want to go through all that,even though i was dehydrated, couldn't eat, and was in pain.

I really hate being sick, it frustrates me so much. It totally takes all of my energy from me. the good news is that last night i found a website about my disease. And it has alot of information and also a forum. I read some of things in the forum and it really encouraged me to see that there are others who are struggling with this disease and are just as frustrated as i am. And i've been learning alot of different facts and finding some answers to my question. I read that people with this disease, they use 3x's more energy just to do normal things like standing, then the average healthy person. No wonder i'm always tired.

Well i'm going to go for now!

Not Alone

"I'm not alone

i'm not alone

He never leaves me

He never leaves me"

This was one of the songs that Jason Upton sang while he was at FIRE this weekend. This song is so simple but so powerful, it went straight to my heart and really encouraged me so much! I think this song will be forever stuck in my head.

50

Wow i just look at the dashboard and saw that i've written 50 posts on this blog.That's amazing, at least i think so! Anyway that's what i wanted to tell the world this morning. And i love Jesus very much.

I heard Jason upton last night. and he sang a song that really could describe my life and how i feel about everything that is going on. so here are the words.

" I don't have the power
I don't even have a clue
I don't have all the answers
I don't even know a few
And if i were really honest
And the truth be known in me
It may sound a little funny
But this is what my prayer would be

I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You
I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You.
( Gideon by Jason upton)

Held

" This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
that the promise was when everything fell
We be held"
(held by Natalie Grant)

What shall i write about?

What shall i write about today?? Life hasn't been extremely exciting lately. the only things that have been going is, is me getting migraines and getting sick. And of course i won't gross everyone out with the details. Good news is that i'm feeling better today. And it's a beautful day outside!!!! This is my kind of weather.

I haven't done much today except write posts for my xanga and this blog. I was up in my room for awhile listening to Enter into the worship circle. Those cd's are really great.

That;s all for now.

Thank You Jesus!

Sorry it's been a few days since i last posted something. but this post should be worth the wait, cause it happened last night. Well yesterday morning i was feeling kinda weird, not quite sick yet but felt like i was going to be soon. Well by the afternoon, early evening i had another migraine. I had to go to our Alumni meeting that night, so i still went even though i was in alot of pain and felt really wiped out. Towards the end of the meeting they prayed for me for awhile and i felt God's presence but i still had the migraine. And that's something that i really don't understand, how i can be in God's presence and still be in pain. that's one of my million questions will i will save for another post. So back to my story, testimony... a little bit later, my friend Chad asked me if i was still in pain, so i told him that i was. So he prayed again, and kept praying till it left. And the migraine really went away, i was kinda surprised. I still felt wiped out from everything though. then later he prayed that i would have good night's sleep, which i really needed cuase i don't sleep well at all for the most part. And last night i sleep so good,it was wonderful!!!! and I didn't get a miagraine today at all. so thank You Jesus for touching me last night and today!!!! This is so cool!!

How Long?

"How long O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall i take counsel in my soul having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?"
Ps 13:1-2


I love the Psalms because i can relate to so much of what's written in them. And i love how David is so honest. He doesn't care about how it comes out or sounds, he just pours out his heart to God.

I have alot of questions right now, and the main one is " How much longer Lord?"
I've been going through constant "stuff" for well over a couple of years now. and most of the time it seems like i'm fighting an unending uphill battle. And there are times i would really like a break from all of it and just have a season of peace. I know that God has promised me a breakthrough but i can't help but wonder how much longer? I'm not about to give up but honestly i'm weary right now.

Boxes

Boxes..boxes..boxes and more boxes!! i don't want to see or lift or even touch another box after all the moving and unpacking i did today. i done with this moving thing for awhile or at least i hope so. i finally finished moving my stuff over to the Delsoges. Thank You Jen sooo much for helping me today! You're my hero!!! she did most of the moving for me. After we got everything moved in we went to Marble Slab and got ice cream. then it was back to my room to unpack,AHHH!!! It took forever and i thought i would get trapped in my room cause of all my stuff.

Well that's all i feel like writing right now.

Relaxing

Right now i'm lay now i'm laying in my bed (prompt up with lots of pillows so i'm nice and comfortable), typing on this laptop. Dr Joe is letting me use one of his laptops that has wireless internet, and he's going to try to hook me up with wireless internet in my room for my computer. Oh, life is so good sometimes! It's just nice to jsut take my time instead of always having to rush.

I tried out xanga and so far i don't like it that much. It has it pluses but honestly blogger is better for me. the only thing i like about it is that you can put different cd's and books on your posts. Other then that it's frustrating trying to get my xanga the way i want it to be. More then likely i'll keep this blog more updated then my xanga, so if there are people who really want to keep up with my excited sometime crazy at times life, then stick with my blog.

by the way today i thought of something to be very thankful for.. my legs! Without them i would be so short!! If you're wondering where this came from, I've been hanging around kids lately, and plus i'm very tired right now but won't go to sleep cause i'm having too much fun using this laptop.

Not a good week

Well this week was not a good week! It was very rough to say the least. Rough could be an understatement. Monday was actually probably the best day. I very felt good, well actually great for the first time in a long time. And that feeling lasted for the whole day not just a few hours. i was pretty shocked. i was helping at the office and was working on the computer all day, and i didn't get a miagraine!! Later i still felt great and went to the Local Alumni Gathering at Rocky River. It was fun but not alot of grads showed up. what's up with that?? anyway then a bunch of us went to someone's house and made smoothies and had some really good conversations. I really enjoyed it. It was very nice.

Then the next day i was at my sister's int he morning and was feeling a little strange. And by 12 i had a migraine and was throwing up. I didn't stop throwing up till 11 that night. In the middle of all that i went back to the Desloges, my new home and watched the Emperor's New Groove. I really like that movie, it's so funny.

today been ok but i'm still getting over being sick this week. Iv'e been getting sick too much lately and it's getting on my nerves.

Well i'll write more later

Till I see You

Here's a really beautiful song that i can't stop singing. It's off of a cd that i can't stop listening to

" The greatest love that anyone can ever know
Overcame the cross, the grave to find my soul
Until i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

Though i ever live to see Your Kingdom come
And in my heart i pray You let your will be done
Until i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love YOu
I will live to bring You praise
I will live, a child in awe of You

You are the voice that called the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
Until i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless You name"
(lyrics by United Live)

Blurry

Well i finally have some time to post something. I had a nice trip back. we stopped in Harrisonburg, Va and stayed over night. My mom was feeling good so when we got there she laid down for awhile. Meanwhile i walked down to the christian bookstore, boy was it a walk. there's was a huge hill i had to walk up but i made it. then when i got back we went to Panera Bread and had soup. And we got back to the hotel and went to the pool for a quick dip. And then we went to Outback Steakhouse and had a very yummy dinner. I had Lobster for the first time. she let me order Lobster tails, they were so yummy! And then we went back to the hotel so my mom could lay down a gain. This time while she was resting, i was pretty bored, so i dyed and highlighted my hair. I do crazy things when i'm bored. It turned out pretty good, i like it alot. After i was done with that, we went to Bruster's and both got a big waffle cone. I got Chocolate Oreo and she got Peanut Butter Puddles, YUMMY!! So i had a good day!!

Ever since I've been back from Jersey,I've been so busy that my life has been a blur. I got back from my trip on thursday and immediately moved over to the Desloges when i got back. Even though i was exhausted i did some major unpacking. And i was able to unpack most of what was in my room. I still have to get more from my sister's house, so there's tons of unpacking left for me to do. If any of my friends would like to help me when i get the rest of my stuff over there, we could have a unpacking party.

The next day i slept till 11 and finished my room for now. But i wasn't feeling good at all. I had a migraine and my blood pressure was really high. and i ended up throwing up really bad. I will spare everyone the details, i rather not remember it.
I'm getting rather tired of being sick and throwing up all the time. I HATE IT!!!

Well i guess that's it for now! I'll post something else later!

Shout to God

The enemy is defeated!!
Death couldn't hold You down
We're gonna lift our voice in victory
We're gonna make your praises loud!

Shout unto God with a voice of triumph
Shout unto God with a voice of praise
Shout unto God with a voice of triumph
We lift Your name up
We lift Your name up

(Lyrics by United Live)

Road Trip

Road Trip Time!! Tomorrow i head back to wonderful Charlotte! I've had a nice time in Jersey but i'm ready to get back to my so called normal life. I just don't want to deal with all the kaotic crazy circumstances that will be awaiting me when i get back. Dealing with all the bills( that i can't pay), the doctors ( who just frustrate me to no end), and the little things like moving on friday when i still can't find a truck, and constantly trying to figure out how i'm going to be able to do things and get to places when i can't drive( i'm still not used to it). sorry for the venting i'm a little bit frustrated with my life at this point. I enjoyed haveing some peace for a change, while i was here.

I should have some more peace when we get to our hotel tomorrow night. We're stopping somewhere in Virginia at a nice hotel. And we should be getting there sometime in the after noon so we can relax and do nothing but sit by the pool, and of course go out to dinner, hopefully at Outback Steakhouse. My mom said that there was one next to the hotel, so since she mentioned it i guess we'll be having dinner there. It should be fun.

i really should be sleeping right now since i have to wake up at 5am cause we;re leaving at 6:30. I would try to wake up a few minutes before we were leaving but i'm really slow that early in the morning. i'm so not a morning person, but i'm not really a night person either.

so i'm still babbling on here but i guess i'll stop cause it is getting late. well i probably won't be posting anything new for a couple of days, since i'll be traveling and then moving when i get back.

I Found It!!!

Well today was another long, long day of going through my stuff. Today was more emotionally draining then yesterday. As my mom and I were taking a trip down "memory lane", some of the memories were sweet but some were not. Some were sad and bittersweet and others just made me mad.

On a happier and funny note, i found some more interesting things.
- Rainbow Brite (she's one of my favorites)
- Strawberry Shortcake ( and she still smells like strawberries)
- Cabbage Patch Dolls
- Yearbooks (i even have some from elementary school)
- an old doll that talks, you pull the string and it says "i love you" or "i'm sleepy", "we go bye bye"
- my colorguard scrapbook
- Popples (stuff animals that you can turn into a ball)
- Mrs. Butterworth bottles ( and if you're wondering.. no we didn't just save empty bottles, when i was little, my mom helped us paint them)
- Little Miss Makeup

Well i guess i better go for now. I should get to bed cause tomorrow is another long day. Now that we've gone through everything, we now have to finish packing it. Oh Happy Day!!

Hungry

While i've been going through some of my stuff, I've found some old journals of mine. I think the one i read tonight was after my first year at BRSM. There's a part of this journal that so describes where my heart is right now, I just want God to move in my life. I need Him to show up in my life!! So here's my thoughts:

"I'm so hungry for revival! I've never been so spiritually hungry before.I'm thirsty for the things of God and the things of this world can't satisfy my soul. I'm not going to be satisfied until i get ahold of Jesus and get more of Him."

" Lord i want more of You
Holy Spirit rain down on me
Lord I need more of You
Living Breath of life come fill me up

We Are hungry, we are hungry
We are hungry for more of You
We are thirsty,Oh Jesus
We are thirsty for more of You

We lift our holy hands up
We want to touch You
We lift our voices higher and higher
And higher to You" ( We Are Hungry)

Down Sizing

As some of you know, I'm in Jersey with my mom for a week. The main reason why i'm up here is to go through all of my stuff that i have left in the attic, which is at least half the attic. So we started on this massive project yesterday and it wasn't so bad yesterday. Of course i didn't go through too many boxes, most of what i went through was clothes and i decided to get rid of them. so that was easy. Well today was extremely challengeing. We went through half of my stuff. You wouldn't beleive some of the stuff i have.

I'm have so many stuffed animals, I have lots of bunnies and bears, a cow, some ugly monkeys, and every other creature God created, as well as a Pillsbury Dough Boy. i went through 3 bags of them already and there are still more left. I'm getting rid of most of them. i'm keeping all my bunnies and bears, I'm too attached to them.

While i was going through everything i've been finding some rather interesting things, some of which are hillarious. I found ALOt of photos, and most of my class pictures when i was in elementary school. And in all of them except for one I'm either frowning or i look like i'm mad. I didn't like to have my picture taken back then and i still don't. then i found beauty pagent trophies from when i was in some pagents when i was 10ish. I found some really ugly clothes that i used to wear when i was trying to be trendy in high school. And then we found an electric can opener that has got to be at least 60 yrs old. and i found all this little stuff, more like junk that i've collected, like key chains. I guess i have a million of them cause for some reason i was collecting them.

Like i said before i still have alot of boxes to go through, so who knows what i'll find. Tonight we had 3 hot air balloons almost land in our backyard. they were extremely low, almost hitting the trees, they were trying to go up but couldn't. that was the excitement for the night. i ran outside and took pictures of them with my cell phone.

Well i should be going for now! I need to finish doing some things!

Faithful Regardless

Lately I've been thinking about God's faithfulness and how unchanging He is. So here are some of my thoughts.

He remains faithful regardless of the circumstances i find myself in. He remains faithful regardless if i find myself in a deep dark calley and can't see anything around me, or if i'm high on a mountain top with a crystal clear view and can see for miles.

He remains faithful even when my prayers go unanswered or when they're not answered the way i thought they should be. He remains faithful when all is well and i'm at peace, or when all is far from well and peace seems a million miles away. And He even remains faithful regardless, even if i'm faithless.

Just waking up

It's 10am and i'm just waking up! That's okay though cause i normally wake up around now anyway, plus i was really sick yesterday so i needed the extra rest. I felt find in the morning a little headachy but not too bad. Then a couple hours later the headachy feeling turned into a full blown miagraine. So for the rest of the day i was throwing up. I couldn't sleep becuase laying down made me feel worse. Well fortunately last night i started to feel better and was able to eat dinner and keep it down. I watched Racing Stripes, with my mom. The Rooster on there is hilliarous.

Since i didn't get much done yesterday i hopeing i get more done today. Maybe We'll start going through boxes today.

Wired

Well hello everyone! I just got to New Jersey. We've been driving since 9am this morning and just got here. Well i wasn't driving, i slept most of the way. Which is why i'm probably so wired right now. I'm think i'm finally started to settle down, well not enough to go to sleep yet.When we got home my mom was wired too. so it was quite a sight, both me and my mom cracking up laughing and being silly cause we were so tired. I was laughing so hard that i couldn't breathe and was crying too.

Anyway i could babble on forever but i probably shouldn't, i don't have anything profound to say tonight. Maybe i will tomorrow, we'll see.

I'm Finished!!!!!

I got one thing to say, (probably more then that) I'm Finished!!!!! NO MORE SHOTS!!!! For those of you who are thinking, "what in the world is she talking about", today i got my last rabies vaccine. The shots are all over with and I never have to get them ever again. As you can tell I'm extremely excited about this, and so is Sarah, Warren, and the boys who had to get the whole series of shots too. This is a happy day!!

The other good news i have is that i started moving my stuff over to the Desloges. we're moving most of it today but there will still be some stuff i'll move when i get back from Jersey. This move has been stressful but for the most part i really haven't had to do anything except for sorting through things and deciding where things are going. My sister did most of the packing and lifting for me. Sarah, incase you end up reading this, Thank you so much for helping me!You're my hero!

Well i better be going for now! I leave for Jersey tomorrow and i'll be gone for a week. But i should have plenty of time to post some things.

Not Enough Time

Well i come to the conclusion that there is way too many things to do and not enough time to do them. And even though there's not enough i still have to do everything. AHHHH!!!! So you may be wondering why i'm posting something when i have so much to do. Well I'm taking a break because if i don't i'll go crazy. I don't think i'll actually go crazy, i just probably scream and get frustrated.

I found out on Friday that i have to have my room all packed and ready to go, by you guessed it, tomorrow. So friday i sorta paniced because i didn't have a place to move yet. But just then A wonderful lady called me, Sherry Desloge and asked if i wanted to move in with them. So it was perfect timing!! And God came through for me once again, He's so faithful!!

So in about 3 hours, my sister had my room halfway packed. I couldn't do much cause i can't lift anything,so i just told her want i wanted to bring and helped sort things out. but that still made me tired and my brain felt like it was on over load. I'm really packing for 3 things at the sametime. I'm going to be in concord till tues morning. then i'll come back to the house for a day, and then I'm going to Nj with my mom to go through my stuff at my old house. And I'll be gone for a week. And when i come back I'll move in with the Desloges. So I am kinda stressed right now, even though things are working out and will be alright. Like i said there is just so many things to do and not enough time to do it all. So Lord please help me!!!

Everything

" Find me here, and speak to me
I want to feel, I need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me
To the place, where I find peace

You are my strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose you're everything

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be, any better then this

You calm the storm and gives me rest
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall
You still my heart and You take my breath away
Would you take me in, would me deeper now

Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything

(Everything by LifeHouse)

Faith

Today has been a long day and I've kept myself very busy between trying to find missing grads and now i'm working on stuff for youth. But even though i was busy i took a break and played, Uno with Riley (6 yr old nephew). He loves to win and doesn't like it when he loses, so we played alot of rounds of Uno, so he could win. I haven't had alot of time to post stuff lately, so we'll try again later. But i did come across this quote from Max Lucado about faith. It's really cool, here it is

" Faith is a desperate dive out of the sinking boat of human effort and a prayer that God will be there to pull us out of the water"

That one quote basically describes how situations in my life are right now. God's gotta come through for me right now.

Busy.. Busy.. Busy

Hello everyone! Sorry that it's been a few days since i posted anything new on here. the last few days have been a blur cause it's been so busy. Well this past weekend was gradutation at FIRE, so i went to that and then we ( AMT) threw a graduation party for the grads. It went well and there was ALOT of people!!! So that was a late night for me. Then sunday was non eventful, i rested alot to make up for my lack of sleep. And today I'm helping out at the FIRe offices and will probably be doing the same thing tomorrow.

So that's about it for now. I'm not in the mood for writing a creative post. And i'm not feeling the greatest right now so i should get off this comupter before i start feeling worse.

Extremely Frustrated!

Well right now I'm extremely frustrated!!!!! Actually if there's something beyond frustration, then that would better explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm having one of those days where all of my limitations and the things i can't do, are staring me in the face. And i really would like to scream right now, but Reagan is trying to take a nap so i can't do that(at least he's suppose to be, but i've heard him playing in his room instead). so writing this post will have to do for now.

I really wish i could drive again then i wouldn't be so frustrated. Alot of my frustration right now has to do with the fact that i can't drive, and i was planning on going somewhere today but still don't know if that's going to work out. This depending on people is not working right now. Don't get me wrong, i'm thankful and grateful for all of my friends who have helped me get back and forth to places, but it's days like today that mess with me.

I miss driving so much!! I'm so used to just jumping in my car and driving where ever i want. And now i can;t do that anymore. It's quite boring being stuck at the house all the time. That's what usually happens when i'm here during the week. If i'm with my friends in concord then i can get around easier. Right now i'm just stuck, still trying to figure out if i'll be able to get to the graduation today and the grad party that we're (AMT) throwing for the grads tonight. I really want to be there for that, not just becuase i'm part of AMT but cause i want to spend time with the new grads.

Well i better end this for now. I could babble on forever but i better not.

Today

Today's been an uneventful day, at least so far. For most of the day I've been feeling sick but i guess it's from the new medicine i started today. Thankfully i don't have a miagrian today!!! I hope it won't take long to adjust to all this new medication.

I haven't gotten alot done today. Good thing is that there's not much for me to do, so i can take some time and rest since i'm not feeling good. So far i've done laundry, laid down for awhile and watched the Cosby show, then i checked my email, then i watched part of 'ELF", and then i went upstairs to work on my ongoing project. I've made an "Encouragement Book' for myself. I've printed out scriptures, songs, and emails from my friends and leaders, that have really helped me through this difficult season i've been in. So when i have my times when i feel all alone or start to get hopeless i can look through my encouragement book.

Well that's all for now, i've got to get ready for church tonight!

Trail Mix

Well this post is going to be about trail mix. I'll probably write a more serious post lately, i'm not really in the mood now. for those of you who don't like trail mix just bare with me. I finally found the perfect trail mix. My long search is over, yeah!!! All the other trail mixes have almonds and other strange nuts i don't like, but this one i found doesn't. Chex Mix has a trail mix out that is awesome! It doesn't have almonds, but has peanuts, chex mix, rasins, candy pieces,and pretzels. It's so perfect that i can even eat it when i'm not feeling good. so it's my comfort food.

Crazy day

Well yesterday was another crazy day. Seems like my life has been extremely crazy latey, more like insane. Yesterday started off okay, i went to the Fire office had a good talk with one of my leaders. Then my mom picked me up, and i went with her to look for a new trailer/camper. They have one now but want to upgrade it becuase it's pretty old. Anyway we were out in the hot sun for a couple hours, and that started to make me sick. And that's when i started getting another miagrain. Well then we went to get something to eat, hopeing it would help me. But it didn't, i just kept feeling worse. So we went to the Er to get my second to last rabie shot ( i still have one left.). And i figure since i was already at the er that i would mention the miagrain i had so i could get some medicine for it. Well we were at the er till 8pm, about six hours. they ended up giving me an iv with narcotics to get rid of the headache. That's what they had to do last time.

The good news is that i went to my dr today about the miagrains. And i now have medicine i can take at home, so i don't have to go to the er when i get a miagrain. I have something to take when i'm nausace, something to take everyday to prevent them, and then something to take during the miagrain. so things should be ok soon hopefully.

Well that's it for now! I'll write another post later.

What was I thinking??

Well yesterday i had a very exciting day! Since the last few weeks (actually much longer then that) have been rough(a major understatment), my mom who's in town for the week treated us to a day at Carowinds. It was so much fun and i loved it! And for once i was almost able to forget about all my problems.

Yesterday was the perfect day to go to Carowinds. It started out really cloudy and yucky looking but ended up being very sunny and HOT! Forunately there is a waterpark there and alot of the other rides get you wet, so you can stay cool. But Since we were outside all day in the sun, i got fried. And believe it or not i wore sunscreen and a hat for part of the day. I got burnt everywhere including my scalp. Actually normally my scalp is the first place i burn cause my hair is so thin.

I think the sun actually fried part of my brain becuase i went on ride that i should of never gotten on. I don't know what i was thinking, and i don't know why i let my brother in law talk me into it. There's this ride at the waterpark part, called "Pipeline Plunge" Those of you who have been to Carowinds should know what i'm talking about, but i'll try to describe it for those of you who haven't been there. It's a five story tall water slide, that's a curvy sprial pipe. And you go down on your back with your hands behind your head and ankles crossed. Well it didn't hit me what i was actually about to do, till i started going down the pipe, then i paniced and thought i was going to have a heart attack or drown before i got to the bottom. First of all when you're going down this pipe there is tons of water that is thrown at your face and all around you, but your hands are suppose to be behind your head, so you can't hold you nose, that' why i thought i would surely drown. Secondly I'm so light that my body wouldn't just stay on the bottom of the pipe, but i kept going up on the sides of the pipe. Thirdly, you're traveling at least 30 miles an hour. Fourthly, it's completely black no light till you reach the end.

So i literally thought i would surely die, i was so scared!! Well after i recovered from that ride, i went on a roller coaster. This was a mild rollercoaster. It's cool cause there are these huge water guns on the ground that people watching you can use to soak you with water. But while you're riding you can also dump water on unexpecting people who are just walking around and have no idea what;s going on. It's a lot a fun.

So i really had a great day! And i could of stayed there forever, especially at the water park part of it cause they had a nice relaxing wave pool that i enjoyed very much.

So that was my day yesterday. Today i'm purposely not doing anything but trying to get some much needed rest cause of yesterday. I really wore myself out and did somethings i shouldn't of done cause of my heart. But i think it was worth it even though i'm feeling quite yucky right now.

Late start

I just woke up! I've been awake for about an hour. I'm definately not a morning person. during the week when i'm at my sister's house, i don't have a lot to do. so i can sleep as much as i want to. It's good becuase there are nights when i don't sleep well, or can't fall asleep to after 1am. Then there are the times when i'm not feeling good or in pain and can't sleep at all. Oh well, enough of my babbling. I'm just glad i can sleep in when i need to.

since i was still feeling pretty good yesterday, i wanted to go the pool and relax a bit. This was the first time this summer that i've been able to go. My sister and the boys go all the time, and most of the times they've gone i've been sick. Normally i can't be outside for long when if it's hot, it makes me feel worse or i'll get a miagrain. So anyway we went up to the pool yesterday. It was hot but cloudy so the sun wasn't beating down on me. As soon as i got in the water it started raining. Then a few minutes later it thundered, and the life guard had everyone get out of the water. And then it thunderstormed. To make a long story short we packed up everything and went home. Maybe I'll try again and go to the pool today. We'll see.

Another Er Adventure

Yesterday I had another adventure at the ER. This time i had a severe miagrain. I woke up feeling ok so Christy and I went to the FIRE office. And i helped her with some alumni stuff and got alot of things done. Well within a few hours the miagrian came back and was really bad. So Christy took me back to her house and as soon as she left i started throwing up. And i couldn't stop, it was super yucky!! I'll spare you the details. Well my mom was in town so i called her and she decided to pick up and take me to the er becuase the pain was unbearable and it wasn't getting any better.

So we got to the Er and they got me back to a room right away. They gave me two narcotics plus another medicine through an iv. And eventually i was feeling much better. The medicines knocked me out for a couple hours so i stayed in the er for awhile. I'm still pretty out of it but i feel so good right now. I'm not in any pain and haven't been in pain since yesterday. I haven't felt this good in quite a long time. It's so crazy what a difference a day can make.

Remember

The other night at church the message really got me thinking. The message was about not forgetting the Lord and how we need to remember what He's done for us. Something that was said, was that we tend to forget the Lord even when everything is going good. My problem is sorta the opposite, i tend to forget the Lord when going through diffcult times of my life. Honestly nothing has been going good for a few years now. i've gone through more valleys and battles then victories. And when i'm going through times like that i start to lose sight of God's faithfulness and everything He's done for me. So i'm trying to be more diligent to remember the Lord. There's such a confidence, hope, and rest, when i remember what God has done for me and how faithful He's been to me.

Bats.. Bats...Bats

I was able to go back to the house on thursday. My sister called me that day to tell me all the details about what had happened. I think it's a good to know why the bats got in, don't you? Well my sister and brother in law are in the process of redoing the kitchen. And awhile ago they took down the kitchen cabinets that were over the stove. And it left a square hole in the ceiling. so my brother in law put a big wooden block up there to close it off. well that still left a small part of the hole open, small enough for a bat to squeeze through. so the bats were coming in through the eves on the side of the house and then getting through this hole in the ceiling. there were 3 bats that actually got in the house, and 30 bats that are still in the eves. So we have a mini colony still alive and well in the eves of the house. Which brings me to the reason why they're still alive, cause if i had it my way the bats would be dead by now. Bats are under federal protection becuase they eat insects, so you're not allowed to kill them. I really think that this is really stupid. And that once the bats cross the line and enter your house and or are in your roof and could get in your house, you should be able to get rid of them, even if it means killing them.So what is going to happen now, is in a few weeks the bat people will come back and put a screen where the bats are. So the bats will be able to leave but won't be able to get back in. But this cost about $1,000.

i'm still pretty paranoid, and havent' slept well since i've been back. but now i'm at my friend's house for a few nights. so will hopefully sleep better while i'm here. by the way i just want to say thank you to Christy, Sarah, and the rest of the girls at Alpha Crowded. Thanks for opening your home and letting me stay here when i need to. you've all have really blessed me so much!

Well i guess that's about it for now!

Gratitude

"Send some rain,would You send some rain?
Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would you send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case..

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups and fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace

But Jesus would You please..

(Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman)

It's raining!!

It's storming really bad right now. The rain is coming down so hard, plus it's windy so the wind is blowing it. I'm glad I'm inside, nice and dry. And i'm glad i'm not driving somewhere cuase it looks like you probably wouldn't be able to see well.

Today has been surprisely productive, inspite of how i'm feeling right now. I'm very sore from the rabie shots still. My arms and legs feel like lead, and i'm just in a lot of pain. I can walk around better today but i still can't walk upstairs yet. It's amazing to me that these shots can do this much to your body

Well like i said inspite of all that, i got alot done today. I went with my wonderful friend Christy to the FIRE office and helped her with some projects. And the first thing i got to do was create a power point. I've used power point before but not since high school. so i don't remember much about it but i did it. And it looks really cool!! So that's what i did today, it basically took up the whole day but it's done!!

I need ice

Well this morning i went to the er once again. This will be my 3rd trip to the er in just over a week. And it's my 6th trip to the hospital in the last few months. I had to have the rabie shots done after all, plus since i haven't had a tentus shot in a very long time, they decided to do that one too. So right now i'm in alot of pain and am extremely sore. I need to get some ice soon. I just really feel weird right now.

Well on a lighter note, after we were done at the ER.MY friend Jen and I went to Red Robin. It's a new resturant that just open this week. there are red robins in the north where i'm from, so i haven't been to one in a while. I loved it!! It's a really cool place and the food is great. Both of us were straving cause we hadn't had anything to eat yet, and by the time we got to the restruant it was going on 3pm. We both had "Freckled Lemonade", which is lemonade with real strawberries in it. and i got some kind of italian chicken sandwhich. It was messy but good!

So that was my adventure for today! Wonder what will happen tomorrow?

I'm Not a Morning Person

Well it's days like today that i realize that i am not a morning person. Now i can make myself be a morning person if i have to , but this morning is not one of those times.

I was at the ER again last night till after 2 in the morning, and i had to get up at 7:30 this morning. this time i had to go to the er becuase i was told i had to have rabie shots. Remember the bat i wrote about in the last post? Well not only is there one stuck in the window but we found two more in the house. When my sister came home on saturday night from watching fireworks, there to greet her was a bat on the living room floor. And as that wasn't bad enough she went into the kitchen and there was another bat on the kitchen floor. So that makes a total of 3 bats in the house!!!! YUCK, EXTREMELY YUCKY!! Well all of this was going on while i was upstairs getting ready to go to bed. Well obviously we had to stay at a friends house that night. there was no way i was going to sleep in the house with the bats.

Anyway the next day i went out with a friend and my mom called to tell me that the health department went to the house and told Sarah, my sister that everyone living in the house has to have rabie shots. Well i wasn't too happy about that so i put it off as long as i could. Well we finally went to the ER around midnight and the dr's told me there that i don't have to get the shots!!! So i got out of it! Thank you Jesus!

A Bat and a Turtle

Life around this house has been interesting lately to say the least. Last night as my sister was working on the backyard, she found a turtle. So she wanted to keep it for the boys. It's now in a big plastic box on my back porch. Riley has named it Terry the turtle. The boys love it, and i don't mind it. Actually it's really funny to watch it. When i first saw him this morning, he was trying to get out of the box. He kept trying so hard to climb but despite his effort it wasn't working. After he tried for awhile he would stop for a moment, and look upand around, as if he were thinking about another way to get out of the box. Then he would start trying to get out again. This turtle is a very determined turtle, he is still trying to escape and he hasn't given up yet.

Well a little while i made a discovery. I discovered that there is a bat hanging upside down in the dining room window. The bat is small but he is still a bat. I am very close to freaking out right now!! First of all how did this bat get in the window? Where did he come from? And most importantly, will he stay in the window or will he get in the house? Right now the bat is sleeping, hanging upside down but what happens when he wakes up? I will really freak out if he gets in the house.

What If...

God's been reminding me of some things He's spoken to me. And i thought that what i'm going to write about might encourage those of you who may be facing a difficult situation.

I always seem to find myself asking the Lord alot of "What if.." questions. You know, "What if this or that happens.." I know I'm not the only person who has asked God these kind of questions. Well one day i had asked Him a rather serious "what if" question and i needed to hear something from Him. I desperately needed some answers. I was facing a serious situation with my health. And i was really scared because i didn't know what was going on. So in my desperation i asked God a serious what if question.

His answer was simply "Hold on". Those were not the words that i wanted to hear. To be honest i was hopeing for something more along the lines of everything will be alright, not hold on.

Those words don't mean that something good will happen, just simpley means to hold on. When i think of holding on i thinking of holding on so i won't fall or something like that. God was just encouraging me to hold tight to him no matter what happens. No matter how bumpy the journey gets or how scary the storm may look, cling to Him.

Believe

God has challenged me to believe Him this year. It's so simple that it can be summed up in that single word. But believing God is alot easier said then done. Sometimes I find myself saying "I'm believing God" for something, when i'm really not believing God. Honestly sometimes i say it jsut because it's the right thing to say and it will appear that i'm being strong and have alot of faith. But the reality is that i was struggling with alot of doubt and unbelief and didn't want to admitt it.

So God's been convicting me about all of this. He's been challengeing me to really believe him and see what He will do. I have no other option but to believe God. It doesn't matter if my world seems to be falling apart, I've got to believe God. I have to believe that He is going to come through for me, even in the midst of my circumstances.

Whistle

This morning i was sitting downstairs drinking my coffee and Reagan, my 2 year old nephew was playing with his cars. He insisted that i play cars with him, so i did. And he was very happy. Well then he found a whistle and started playing with it. He kept blewing it over and over again and wouldn't stop. It's one of those metal whistles that are super loud and high pitch. So i told him to stop and he didn't want to, so he threw the whistle at me. It hit my forehead so hard that it left a mark.

Then after he realized that it hurt me, he came over and kissed my forhead then gave me a hug. And when they were walking out the door, he stopped and said he needed to give me another kiss. so he gave me another kiss and another huge hug. It was so cute!

Brave

" The gate is wide
The road is paved with moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound
And until now it's where i've been
Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's Your love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo, I think I just let go
You make want to be brave
The way it always was is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave

I am small and I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name, just Your name
And I'm ready to jump, even ready to fall
Why did i take this vow of compromise
Why did i try to keep it all inside

I've never knew a fire that didn't begin with a flame
And every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if You believe in me that changes everything

So long status quo, I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave

(Brave by Nichole Nordeman)

Another Exciting Adventure

My life is one big never ending adventure. It seems like there's never a dull moment, especially lately. During the weekend, i started to have a bad reaction to one of the medicine i'm taking. Basically I broke out in a hive like rash that started on my legs and then spread to my arms and now is on my neck and side. And it's still spreading. YUCK! So i had to go the ER on sunday. I really didn't want to but because of all the medicine i'm on i had to.

So i went and it didn't take the doctor long to figure out what was going on. It was an allergic reaction to one of the medicines but he couldn't figure out what one. So in the meantime i'm on another medicine, this one to help with the itching from the rash. And it works but I'm still itchy and it makes me extremely tired, sometimes too tired.

My adventure at the ER didn't last too long, only 2 1/2 hours. And we made it to church just in time for the very end of the message. After church we went to subway cause i hadn't ate dinner yet. And the medicine was started to kick in so i was completely zoneing out and thought i was going to fall asleep.

I've Got a New Song

"And He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:3
This verse is real to me now. About a month ago i woke up with a new song going through my mind. so i went outside with my guitar and my bible, and God gave me a new song. I love writing songs but haven't written much. I've probably only written about 4 now. And all of them have come out of times where i find myself walking through the most hardest and darkness times of my life. Seasons where i've reached the end if myself and feel like i can't go on anymore. It's during these times that God shows Himself faithful and reveals more of Himself to me. So that's how this song came about. here are the lyrics

I will lift my voice to You Jesus

For you have heard my cry
From the depths of my soul
For you have given me life
Life that makes me whole

For you have been strength
The strength that carries me on
For You have been my sheild
My fortress, rock that's so strong

For you are faithful regardless of what i'm going through
So i will lift my voice and worship You

Flip- Flop

Just in case you're wondering, this post is not going to be about "flip flops". Ever since i've been out of the hospital, everything seems to be flipped flopped. Okay i admitt that probably didn't make any sense so let me explain what i mean.

Well before i was in the hospital, even though i was unemployed and sick, i still had somewhat of a schedule, cause i was still trying to look for work. So i would get up at a reasonable hour, the latest by 8 and get going, and would be out of the house alot. Being able to drive then did help alot. Well ever since i've been out from the hospital i have no schedule. I can't work any more and also can't drive, so getting around has it's challenges. And somedays just doing everyday things even around the house gets very challenging for me. So when i'm during the week i end up sleeping into 9, sometimes 11 depending on how i'm feeling. I don't have anywhere to go most of the time so there's no need for me to get up early. But it's still strange for me cause i'm so used to working or at least being able to do normal things.

Yesterday was really weird. I got up about 9ish, and spent most of the day on the phone trying to figure out my bills, and i had alot of time to work on this blog. I didn't get my shower till abotu 6 in the evening and went to church last night, which didn't start till 8. so yesterday i felt really flipped flopped. I need to have somewhat of a schedule or rountine again. It'll drive me crazy soon if i don't figure out something.

I did it!!

It's a miracle!!! I now have a sidebar with the sections i want!!! Thanks to my wonderful and smart friend Bianka for helping me with this. She emailed me about how to make my side bar. I just have to figure out how to make my headlines for my new sections match the rest.

Bye- Bye Princess!

Yesterday was a very sad day, i had to say goodbye to my car, Princess. For those of you who don't know I'm no longer allowed to drive because of my health condition. I could possibly black out while i'm driving, so i'm not allowed to drive for the next 6 months. But during those months i can't have any episodes or close calls, if i do then i guess it starts all over again. So i sincerely doubt that it will only be 6 months. I'm not sure when i'll be driving again.

So i sold my car yesterday. It seems like the right thing to do cause i can't drive and can't pay the insurance on it. I really miss my car already and miss driving soo much. I haven't driven in almost of month. Honestly it seems like an eternity to me. It's really hard to adjust to having to be dependant on others to get you where you need to go. I'm a pretty independant person and don't like depending on others or even asking for help, even if i need it. So it's not easy right now. And this simple little thing, not being able drive, has been killing my independance even more. Which i guess is not a bad thing.

By the way the reason i named my car princess, was because it was the nicest and prettiest car i've every had. It even had leather seats. So i felt like a princess driving it. So what other name should i give my car expect for " Princess".

Oh the Confusion!

I'm still trying to set up this blog the way i want it. Thanks to some help from my friend Bianka, i now have a links section, but still can't figure out for the life of me how to get the other sections i want on my sidebar. And i can't figure how to get the spacing right on my sidebar either. I've just spent over an hour trying to figure it out and i've very confused right now. I needed a break from all of it so i'm writing a post, the only thing i'm sure of how to do on this blog. Oh the confusion!!!!

Once i'm not confused anymore and i figure out how to add sections to my sidebar, i'll have a " Thought of the Week" and " Other Blogs" section. And if there's still room i'll put a "Psalm of the week". So hopefully soon this blog will be like i want it to be.

Interesting Day

Well i'm still trying to figure this blogging stuff out, i have alot of different ideas but still haven't finished my side bar yet. Hopefully it will be done soon.

Today has been a rather interesting day. My alarm went off at 7 but i realized i didn't have to get up till 8 so decided to sleep more. But my adorable nephews were making alot of noise downstairs so i couldn't go back to sleep. But that was okay cuase i went downstairs and saw my nephews who i haven't seen in a few weeks. That doesn't seem like too long to most people but keep in mind i live with them. Even though i loved the peace and quiet while they were gone, i missed them alot and am glad they're back from vacation. they're sooo cute.

I had my disability interview this morning. This is the offical interview where they file your application for you. I was sorta nervous cause there's alot of questions and i have to have alot of different forms and papers. But it went really well. And now i'm just waiting, might be waiting for a long time. It'll take at least 90 days to hear something from them. The good thing is that they might back up my disability date to July 2003, that is when i started getting sick. If they decide to do that then i'll recieve back pay from that date till the date my disability goes through. so that would be a really good thing.

So far i've gotten alot of thing done, which is a miracle for me. Before my interview i made a bunch of phone calls that i had to make and got a lot of situations straighten out. Yippee!! And i'm working on my blog!!! so this might be a productive day!

So Much

I love writing but the problem is i can't make up my mind what to write about first. I do have quite an interesting life for only being 26. There's never a dull moment. well at least that's how it is for the most part. But now since i'm not able work and can't drive, I'm home alot more and have alot more time on my hands then i know what to do with.

Thinking of Someday

Have you ever gone through a time of your life where you can't understand why certain things have happened or are happening? Or instead of a circumstance getting better, it only continues to get worse? Or where you have millions of questions that go unanswered, no matter how hard you search for the answers?

For the past few years that's how my life has been. Things have happened in my life that i can make no sense out of. I can't comprehend why God has allowed certain things to happen in my life. there are times that it's hard to find God in the middle of all the circumstances that I'm facing, but i know He's there. And that i know that "someday" everything will make sense. All my unanswered questions of why, will be answered someday when i see Him face to face. So that's the hope i have. Everything i have gone through and am currently going through will someday be worth it. It gives me tremendous peace and hope to know that someday everything will be alright.

Someday

" I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More then ever I'm ready to say that
I will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me

Until someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting for
Someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can't help but wonder
And dream about the other side

Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More then hald of every whole
Rests in the hand that hold you for someday

Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting for
Someday

(Someday by Nichole Nordeman)