Not Alone- Part 2

I know i probably should be in bed right now but i have a lot on my mind. I've been doing alot of thinking and reflecting on somethings that God has done recently in my life. So this time it's not a bad thing to have a lot on my mind. I just wish i could articulate what's in my heart better.

Over the past month God has really gone out of His way to prove me and remind me that I'm not fighting this battle alone. There's been many times over the past months (especially this one) where because of how sick i've been and the rest of my situations, I was at the "end of my rope".. i just wanted to stop fighting. And i felt like i couldn't be real with anyone and felt like i was alone in this. But like i said God went out of his way...

a few weeks ago i recieved an unexpected phone call from a girl that i had discipled at Brownsville. After i moved to Charlotte we kept in touch pretty well but then we lost touch for awhile... till out of the blue she calls and leaves a message on my cell phone. To make a VERy long story short God has been putting me on her heart. And the night before she had a prophetic dream about me. I won't go into detail about the dream, i'll just say that from the dream God gave clear direction about how to pray against this disease i'm fighting. In the dream she went into spiritual warfare against the disease and some other things. After she told me about the dream, she said she was up all night praying for me. and that she just wanted to call and tell me that shes praying for me and shes fighting with me and to not give up. So that was totally God.

well then just the other night at church, i was talking with someone who i don't really know too well, at least not yet. and she said that God had put me on her heart and she was praying for me.

I know some of this is small, but it's the smaller things that encouraged me the most, sometimes. God really has been strengthing me heart over the last few weeks. He is so faithful.

Not alone

I've been sitting in my room listening to a song my Jason Upton, "You're not alone", over and over again, for the last few hours. Its the song that plays on the website. I need to get this ingrained in my heart cause i've been really wrestling with alot lately. And it's so tempting to think that I'm alone in this especially right now during the times when God is silent and He seems to be far away. Here are some of the lyrics:

" Sometimes we feel so afraid
Sometimes we feel so lonely
Sometimes we feel confused
Sometimes we feel so helpless
And we don't know what to do

And its hard to believe it
If we never heard the voice of a Father
Saying your name

You're not alone
You're not alone
I never leave you
I never leave you"
(Jason Upton)

I hate making decisions!

I spent some time at my mom's, sorta to get away from everything and think some things over. And after doing some praying and thinking i've reached a decision, that was really hard for me to make. I hate making decisions, especially when it has to do with stepping back from something i dearly love. I've decided that for right now because of my health it's best if i step back from AMT. I'm not completely dropping it, I just can;t continue to make all the meetings. So i'll be doing some things from home now. It's just been too much trying to set up where i'm gonna spend the weekend so i can get to the meeting, and then trying to find a way back home. And it's put alot of extra stress on me.

So this will hopefully only be temporary, until the disability goes through and i can move to Concord. once i'm in Concord then things will be much easier.

Changes are coming soon

I come to another conclusion and this one doesn't have to do with trying to be superwoman. I think i need to make some changes in my life. I can't handle everything right now. Trying to be involved in a few ministry things and fighting this disease at the same time isn't working. The sad part is i'm only involved with 2 things right now, it;s not like i'm doing a million different things all the time. And both things are very dear to my heart... so God's going to have to speak me cause i can't make this decision on my own. So there will be changes coming soon.

I still believe

The new year isn't starting the way i hoped it would. I've had a really rough week. Honestly it;s weeks like this that get me so frustrated about what God has already promised me. It's too the point where part of me would just give up fighting this disease and believing for my miracle. But I can't give up! So i just want to say to God, that i still believe, no matter what.

"Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my soul
I've never felt so torn before seems i don't know where to start
But it's now that i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when i don't see i still believe

Though the questions stil fog up my with promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind it's my heart i see you prepare
but it's now that i feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy word
Even when i don't see i still believe

Well the only place i can go is into your arms
Where i throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokeness i can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know that you are here

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when i don't see i still believe"
(I still believe by Jeremy Camp)

Another profound conclusion

yesterday i came to yet another profound conclusion. Are you ready for it?? I'm not superwoman!!! you either are laughing your head off or you probably think i've lost my mind.

Well i had a super busy weekend cause my best friend came to see me from out of town. so by monday morning i was completely wiped out. And on monday i helped out at the school office all day and did the same on tuesday. But tuesday i thought i could be superwoman and lifted one too many heavy boxes full of books. I don't know what i was thinking.. actually i probably wasn't thinking. Well i've been back home since yesterday and have been sick.

So the conclusion i came to was i'm not superwoman and i shouldn't try to be!!!

new year

Just wanted to say happy new year to everyone!

Christmas list

I've got a small problem... Mrs Sherry wants me to make a christmas list for her and i don't know what i want for Christmas. So this sounds absolutely crazy but i don't put much thought into what i want anymore because there's been so many medical bills to pay and other things that i need, that normally that takes priority over what i want. And my mom always gives me money and tells me i have to use it for bills and things i need. It's been like this for awhile now.

so i'm sitting here trying to think of what i want so i can give her a list. So far i've only come up with 2 things.

"All Is Well"

I just finished listening to "All is Well: A Christmas miracle in July", by Frank Peretti. It's a story that my mom would make us kids listen to every Christmas while we were eating breakfast, before we could open any presents. To sum up the story its about a single mom and her daughter and she is struggling to make ends meet, life is far from all is well. Well they run out of money and God provides. there's more to it then just that but you have to listen to it. Anyway in the beginning of the story Frank Peretti says something that really hits home with me right now. Here's the qoute:

"All is well... do we really see it that way? Sure Christmas time we believe it but all too often nothing is well. I guess it all depends on where you're standing and how good the view is from there."( Frank Peretti)

That's how i feel right now. I couldn't have said it any better or plainer then that. Right now i just can't see past some things in my life that are going on right now. There's just way too much. But even though i may not be able to see that "All is well", there's still this little hope that somehow, someway everything will work out. And all will be well.

Christmas Letter

Well on my agenda for the day was to send my Christmas cards out and write a christmas letter. The cards are easy cause i send ecards, so i just have to choose the one i want hit send for the most part. I'm about halfway done with the christmas cards. The Letter on the other hand is rather difficult. It's requireing more of me then i thought i would. Well i finally formatted the pictures, so it looks great, now i just have to write the letter part, which is the hardest part for me. I just don't know exactly what to say. UGH!!

My Life

I don't have much to say today, nothing real profound, just that i'm extremely frustrated with my life right now. And the things that i'm frustrated about are the things that i cannot change and have no control over. Oh how i wish i could have a simple life again, how did life get so complicated, to the point of being overwhelming with problems? Right when something starts looking like it might get resolved or a bit improved.. bam.. i get hit with something else. I really don't understand it. I;ve already decided that i'm not giving up... but i am growing majorally tired and like i said frustrated.

All My Praise

All My Praise
Word and music by Audrey Hatcher

I will follow You through green pastures
And sing hallelujah to Your Name
I will follow You through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain
And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You are seated on Your throne in heaven
And You see all of us down here
And You have promised You will not abandon
So I shall not fear
And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You made every star
And You taught it how to shine
You knew my name before there was time
And all this was just part of Your glorious design
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Few More Days

Last night I had one of my vent sessions with God cause right now i just don't understand why somethings are going on in my life. Take for example this week I've been in severe pain to the point where i wasn't able to get out of bed and on top of things, i blacked out a few times. I'm already having a hard enough time trying to handle and fight this disease now i've got to deal with back issue.. what's up with that? So i've been asking the Lord the question.. How Long?? How many more mornings do i have to wake up so weak that i black out or that i'm in so much pain that i can;t move? How many more sleepless nights because of pain? How many days of taking endless pills that don;t help but only make me sick? I can go on forever.. but you know where i'm going with this,, how long? Well He answered me... " Just a few more days" I don't know what he means by just a few more days. A few more days to him could be longer then what we think of, but it is still very encouarging! And it gives me much hope to keep pressing in till it happens!

Believe Me Now

"I watch you looking out
Across the raging water
So sure your only hope
Lies on the other side
You hear the enemy
That’s closing in around you
And I know
That you don’t have the strength to fight
But do you
Have the faith to stand (and)

Believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe me now

I am the one who waved my hand
And split the ocean
I am the One
Who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I’ve loved you long before
I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you’re feeling now
But do you remember who I am?

Will you believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now

Believe it’s true
I have never I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now

I am the God
Who never wastes a single hurt
That you endure
My words are true
And all My promises are sure
So believe me now
Oh believe me now

So believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe it’s true
I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now
Believe me now
Believe me now
Believe Me Now"

(Believe Me Now by Steven Curtis Champman)

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day and enjoys time with their family and friends!! I know i have alot to be thankful for, maybe i'll post something more about that later cause i don't have much time now, cause we have company over.

Lessons from a Little Chicken

Well i saw Chicken Little yesterday and absolutely loved it. Not just because it was funny and cute ( it really was) but i really learned somethings. I'm not sure how else to put it.

for those of you who saw the movie, there was one pharse that Chicken Little kept saying throughout the movie especally during the beginning. "Today is a new day". Well for some reason that's been sticking with me. It made me think of a few scriptures, like " this is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it" and the verse that talks about the Lord's mercies being new every morning. So today (or should i say tomorrow cause it's in the middle of the night as i'm writing this) is a new day. And it doesn't matter what kind of situation i find myself in. It doesn't matter if i'm sick and sometimes feel like i have no strength to fight, each day is a new day, and i can find something to rejoice in. God is still God and He is still good! He is always faithful regardless and his mercies are new every morning!!!

So Today is a new day!!!

Update

I just realized how long it's been since i posted something new on my blog... sorry. I can't use the excuse that i don't have enough time cause i have plenty of it. It's been hard keeping up with everything. I'm still getting things together for the medicaid hearing.. that is extremely stressful and frustrating. Then i'm i'm involved with the Alumni team and helped out at the offices a couple days a week. Which may not sound like much but for me is alot. Then add working with the youth.and throw in having a chronic illness and other health problems.. so if you add everything up it just gets complicated.

I can't remember my life ever being simple or ever having a "normal" life. I don't know what " normal" even feels like right now. Sometimes i wonder if my life will ever be simple again. I know that someday it will but that "someday" maybe a long time from now so till then I need much more grace. right now i'm just venting and probably not making any sense, so i hope you don't mind.

Conclusions

So yesterday was my birthday.. I'm now 27 believe it or not!!! I feel so old now!!! So i had a pretty good day yesterday, it was better then past birthdays so i'm glad about that. so here are some conclusions i'm came to from my birthday yesterday, in no particluar order:

1. it's no fun being alone on the night of your birthday

2. When you're trying to move a glider rocking chair, don't reach underneath it becuase your hand will get stuck.

3. If your hand is stuck and smushed in between the glider rocker it's a good thing to know what to do to get it unstuck, other wise it hurts more

4. If you play SuperMarioCarts long enough, you;ll eventally win!!

Random Thoughts

today has been very random. I got up much earlier then normal and actually got things done inspite of not feeling well. I had a mean bill collector call me that i had to deal with, which is random cause i dealt with the same one last week. And i cut my hair cause i was bored. Then i tried a bunch of clothes on in hopes of finding something to wear on Friday night, when my AMT friends take me out for my b-day. So today has been random.

Tunnel

Well God has done alot in me during the last weekend, and a major thing he did was put fresh hope in me that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Well last night i heard this song for the first time and i almost couldn't believe my ears cause this hits so close to home, and is part of what God has been speaking to be so here are the words. It's song "Tunnel" from the new Third Day Cd. This song spoke loads of things to me.


"I won’t pretend to know what you’re thinking
And I can’t begin to know what you’re going through
And I won’t deny the pain that you’re feeling
But I’m gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I told you
So much you’re living for

There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
There;s a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinning bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holding on…

You got your disappointments and sorrows
And you oaught share the weight of that load with me
And you will find that the light of tomorrow
Will bring you new life for your eyes to see
So remember what I told you
So much you’re living for

There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
For you , for you
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinning bright at the end of this tunnel
For you for you
So keep holding on.."