Christmas list

I've got a small problem... Mrs Sherry wants me to make a christmas list for her and i don't know what i want for Christmas. So this sounds absolutely crazy but i don't put much thought into what i want anymore because there's been so many medical bills to pay and other things that i need, that normally that takes priority over what i want. And my mom always gives me money and tells me i have to use it for bills and things i need. It's been like this for awhile now.

so i'm sitting here trying to think of what i want so i can give her a list. So far i've only come up with 2 things.

"All Is Well"

I just finished listening to "All is Well: A Christmas miracle in July", by Frank Peretti. It's a story that my mom would make us kids listen to every Christmas while we were eating breakfast, before we could open any presents. To sum up the story its about a single mom and her daughter and she is struggling to make ends meet, life is far from all is well. Well they run out of money and God provides. there's more to it then just that but you have to listen to it. Anyway in the beginning of the story Frank Peretti says something that really hits home with me right now. Here's the qoute:

"All is well... do we really see it that way? Sure Christmas time we believe it but all too often nothing is well. I guess it all depends on where you're standing and how good the view is from there."( Frank Peretti)

That's how i feel right now. I couldn't have said it any better or plainer then that. Right now i just can't see past some things in my life that are going on right now. There's just way too much. But even though i may not be able to see that "All is well", there's still this little hope that somehow, someway everything will work out. And all will be well.

Christmas Letter

Well on my agenda for the day was to send my Christmas cards out and write a christmas letter. The cards are easy cause i send ecards, so i just have to choose the one i want hit send for the most part. I'm about halfway done with the christmas cards. The Letter on the other hand is rather difficult. It's requireing more of me then i thought i would. Well i finally formatted the pictures, so it looks great, now i just have to write the letter part, which is the hardest part for me. I just don't know exactly what to say. UGH!!

My Life

I don't have much to say today, nothing real profound, just that i'm extremely frustrated with my life right now. And the things that i'm frustrated about are the things that i cannot change and have no control over. Oh how i wish i could have a simple life again, how did life get so complicated, to the point of being overwhelming with problems? Right when something starts looking like it might get resolved or a bit improved.. bam.. i get hit with something else. I really don't understand it. I;ve already decided that i'm not giving up... but i am growing majorally tired and like i said frustrated.

All My Praise

All My Praise
Word and music by Audrey Hatcher

I will follow You through green pastures
And sing hallelujah to Your Name
I will follow You through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain
And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You are seated on Your throne in heaven
And You see all of us down here
And You have promised You will not abandon
So I shall not fear
And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You made every star
And You taught it how to shine
You knew my name before there was time
And all this was just part of Your glorious design
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Few More Days

Last night I had one of my vent sessions with God cause right now i just don't understand why somethings are going on in my life. Take for example this week I've been in severe pain to the point where i wasn't able to get out of bed and on top of things, i blacked out a few times. I'm already having a hard enough time trying to handle and fight this disease now i've got to deal with back issue.. what's up with that? So i've been asking the Lord the question.. How Long?? How many more mornings do i have to wake up so weak that i black out or that i'm in so much pain that i can;t move? How many more sleepless nights because of pain? How many days of taking endless pills that don;t help but only make me sick? I can go on forever.. but you know where i'm going with this,, how long? Well He answered me... " Just a few more days" I don't know what he means by just a few more days. A few more days to him could be longer then what we think of, but it is still very encouarging! And it gives me much hope to keep pressing in till it happens!

Believe Me Now

"I watch you looking out
Across the raging water
So sure your only hope
Lies on the other side
You hear the enemy
That’s closing in around you
And I know
That you don’t have the strength to fight
But do you
Have the faith to stand (and)

Believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe me now

I am the one who waved my hand
And split the ocean
I am the One
Who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I’ve loved you long before
I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you’re feeling now
But do you remember who I am?

Will you believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now

Believe it’s true
I have never I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now

I am the God
Who never wastes a single hurt
That you endure
My words are true
And all My promises are sure
So believe me now
Oh believe me now

So believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I’ve told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe it’s true
I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now
Believe me now
Believe me now
Believe Me Now"

(Believe Me Now by Steven Curtis Champman)

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day and enjoys time with their family and friends!! I know i have alot to be thankful for, maybe i'll post something more about that later cause i don't have much time now, cause we have company over.

Lessons from a Little Chicken

Well i saw Chicken Little yesterday and absolutely loved it. Not just because it was funny and cute ( it really was) but i really learned somethings. I'm not sure how else to put it.

for those of you who saw the movie, there was one pharse that Chicken Little kept saying throughout the movie especally during the beginning. "Today is a new day". Well for some reason that's been sticking with me. It made me think of a few scriptures, like " this is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it" and the verse that talks about the Lord's mercies being new every morning. So today (or should i say tomorrow cause it's in the middle of the night as i'm writing this) is a new day. And it doesn't matter what kind of situation i find myself in. It doesn't matter if i'm sick and sometimes feel like i have no strength to fight, each day is a new day, and i can find something to rejoice in. God is still God and He is still good! He is always faithful regardless and his mercies are new every morning!!!

So Today is a new day!!!

Update

I just realized how long it's been since i posted something new on my blog... sorry. I can't use the excuse that i don't have enough time cause i have plenty of it. It's been hard keeping up with everything. I'm still getting things together for the medicaid hearing.. that is extremely stressful and frustrating. Then i'm i'm involved with the Alumni team and helped out at the offices a couple days a week. Which may not sound like much but for me is alot. Then add working with the youth.and throw in having a chronic illness and other health problems.. so if you add everything up it just gets complicated.

I can't remember my life ever being simple or ever having a "normal" life. I don't know what " normal" even feels like right now. Sometimes i wonder if my life will ever be simple again. I know that someday it will but that "someday" maybe a long time from now so till then I need much more grace. right now i'm just venting and probably not making any sense, so i hope you don't mind.

Conclusions

So yesterday was my birthday.. I'm now 27 believe it or not!!! I feel so old now!!! So i had a pretty good day yesterday, it was better then past birthdays so i'm glad about that. so here are some conclusions i'm came to from my birthday yesterday, in no particluar order:

1. it's no fun being alone on the night of your birthday

2. When you're trying to move a glider rocking chair, don't reach underneath it becuase your hand will get stuck.

3. If your hand is stuck and smushed in between the glider rocker it's a good thing to know what to do to get it unstuck, other wise it hurts more

4. If you play SuperMarioCarts long enough, you;ll eventally win!!

Random Thoughts

today has been very random. I got up much earlier then normal and actually got things done inspite of not feeling well. I had a mean bill collector call me that i had to deal with, which is random cause i dealt with the same one last week. And i cut my hair cause i was bored. Then i tried a bunch of clothes on in hopes of finding something to wear on Friday night, when my AMT friends take me out for my b-day. So today has been random.

Tunnel

Well God has done alot in me during the last weekend, and a major thing he did was put fresh hope in me that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. Well last night i heard this song for the first time and i almost couldn't believe my ears cause this hits so close to home, and is part of what God has been speaking to be so here are the words. It's song "Tunnel" from the new Third Day Cd. This song spoke loads of things to me.


"I won’t pretend to know what you’re thinking
And I can’t begin to know what you’re going through
And I won’t deny the pain that you’re feeling
But I’m gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I told you
So much you’re living for

There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
There;s a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinning bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holding on…

You got your disappointments and sorrows
And you oaught share the weight of that load with me
And you will find that the light of tomorrow
Will bring you new life for your eyes to see
So remember what I told you
So much you’re living for

There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
For you , for you
There’s a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinning bright at the end of this tunnel
For you for you
So keep holding on.."

Why.. Why.. Why

Why.. seems to be the only question i can ask lately, especially God.
Like how come lately every time i try to do make something right and try to do the right thing, it goes wrong, and blows up in my face?? I asked this question and cried about it about ten minutes ago after having a horrible conversation with a bill collector on the phone. It was a nightmare. See i got a letter in the mail today saying that they would clear half of my debt if i would pay the rest in full, well obviously becuase of my situation there is no way on this earth that that can happen right now. So i decided to call and be honest with this person and tell them the whole sitatuion as calmly as possibly and see what happens.

Well Credit debt collectors are different then medical bill debt collectors. the medical bill people understand a bit that you are sick and you are limited. These credit debit collectors are literally from the pit of hell, or at least it seem like this one was. Cause here i was trying to be as nice and calm as i could be. And this guy had the nerve to blame me for being, and was basically accusing me of making everything up. Why in the world would i make this up, let alone put myself through so a living hell. Sorry but that's what it's been like most of the time

So today has been a nightmare and i would like it to be over right now!!!!

Spirit Move in me!!!

Come Holy Spirit, move in this place
We're at your mercy
We need Your grace
You are welcome
You are welcome

(song is by among thorns)

I heard this song last night before i went to bed and i couldn't stop listening to it. It's so simple but it's really the cry of my heart right now. I need God to move in me right now.

Ode to Holly

You're probably wondering who Holly is? Well Holly is the funny cat that is laying down on my desk, right next to my laptop as i'm writing this. She seems to be a littl bit jealous right now cuase as soon as i logged on she started pacing the floor by me and kept meowing, then when i didn't do anything she jumped up on my desked and walked on acrossed my laptop. She's funny and interesting kitty but cute.

The Desloges have been gone for the weekend so i've been cat sitting, so it's been interesting to say the least. I have a lot of funny cat stories. Like yesterday, Holly decided she wanted to play hide and seek, well not exactly. She had got in my closet without me knowing it and i closed it and went back downstairs for awhile. Well a couple hours later there was no sign or sound of Holly anywhere, so i started looking for her even went outside. i almost freaked out cause i couldn't find her anywhere, it would be horrible if the Desloges came back home and their kitty was missing. Anyway i went back upstairs and had to get something out of my closet and out jumps Holly and scares me half to death.

Then today i came downstairs and when i came in the kitchen she was on the kitchen table drinking the water out of the fish bowl. This was the 4th time I caught her doing this during the weekend. she doesn't like the fish but for some reason she likes the water in the fish bowl better then her water in her bowl. She is strange cat.

Now she's laying on my desk with her tail partly on my laptop so its hard for me to type. Anyway i should go for now the desloges should be back soon, holly will be sooo happy!!!

Waiting Game is OVER!!!!

The Waiting Game is OVER!!! I'm am so happy right now, i could be bouncing off the walls if i had the energy. my dr called me today to tell me that both of the biopies came back fine!!! So everything is ok, which means no skin cancer!!!! YIPEE!!! Thank You Jesus!! Bless the Lord cause He's always so faithful, even when things get really scary! I'm so relieved right now!! I haven't had a good report in a long long time, so this feels great!!!! And i'm enjoying it very much!

So take that devil!!! the devil is such a loser!!!!!

Just don't get it

Well I just don't get it sometimes, well actually most of the time. I have alot of things going on in my life that are not good, alot of things that are out of my control. I've been fighting a incurable life threatening disease for the past 2 years now, and that whole situation has caused so much kaos in my life.

Well last week i was at the dr's and had to have 2 moles removed and both were biopsied becaused they looked like early cancer. And there's a spot on my leg that;s a keratois, sorta like a mole but it's pre cancerous. Anyway now i'm waiting for the results from the biopsies. so i don't know what to think about all this except that i'm pretty scared right now.

I already have so much going on in my life and i don't need this right now. So that's why i titled this i just don't get it. i so don't get the timing of things that happened in our lives, it's so beyond me right now. And to confuse me even more, this is all happening at the end of my 40 daniel fast. This is not what i was expecting to happen during my fast, I'm fasting for my healing and breakthrough, not for more attack to happen. I just really frustrated right now. So i could use some prayer. Thanks!

Bianka is here!

It's soo good to have Bianka back for awhile!!! I've miss her so much! And it was great to see her on thursday night!! Hopefully soon we'll have some time to catch up with each other lives. Bianka's always been a wonderful friend to me and has helped me throught alot!

Well about what i've been upto today... not much. It's one of those days where it's hard to get motivated, mainly becuase it's so gloomy and rainy outside and it doesnt help that i'm not feeling good and i'm tired too. All that mixed together makes it hard to get anything done. I did accomplish a few things like one load of laundry and i called my high school to update my profile for the alumni directory. i recently got a postcard about it in the mail. It's really scary cause it'll be 10 years in 2007 since i've gradutated high school. That's so crazy!! I'm getting so old!

The other thing i did was work on my medicaid stuff that i have to get together for the hearing that i still don't know when it is. That's another situation that is just frustrating me right now. There's just so much stuff that i have to know, it's nuts.

Well i'm going go for now! Have a great day!

Bianka is coming!!!

Bianka is coming on Wednesday!!!! I'm so excited that one of my best friend's is coming back!!!! She's from Germany and went to BRSM with me, graduated a semester after me and went back to germany a year or so ago. She hasn't been gone for too long but it feels like forever, especially when your used to talking with her when ever you want to or giving her a big hug whenever you see her. Well i plan to give her a big hug when i see her on thursday. I can't wait!!!!