Cloudy

It's been really cloudy today, especially right now. It's kinda how i feel about my life right now,nothing is clear and there is alot of things that are uncertian, and are cloudy right now. I don't like it when life gets like this.

Well tomorrow i'm off to the dr's again, this time it's not about the NCS but something else that i can't go into detail about yet. So just be praying for me tomorrow. Thanks!

Halfway

Well I'm offically halfway through my forty day daniel fast, I've got 20 days to go.
This has been one of the hardest things i've have ever done in my life.I feel like i'm getting no where, cause i keep hitting these walls. I know i'm doing the right thing by pressing in but it's frustrating when you keep running into the same walls over and over again.

When i find the time to spend in prayer i cant focus and i'm totally distracted by a million things, it seems like... walls... walls...

What i would like to do

Awhile ago i had short conversation with my mom. She asked me what i was going to do that day, so i told her nothing. But being my sarcastic self i said maybe i might borrow my sister's car, just start driving somewhere, maybe i'll take a road trip today or go on a shopping spree. Obviously i was just being sarcastic about that but this got my brain thinking of what i would really want to do if i had no limitations. Some of these ideas are maybe crazy, silly or really out there while others maybe on the serious side. So here's my list i have so far, in no certian order.

1. Road trip around the country, visit every state
2. Travel around the world to visit my friends that are missionaries
3. Travel to Lithuania ( i bet you didn't know i was Lithuanian)
4. Play the piano at Cargnie Hall, preferably leading worship
5. Learn Ballet
6. Go hiking in Scotland
7. Travel to Syndey and meet United Live

these few are the beginning, i'll be adding more as i think of them

Stain Glass Masquerade

"Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feelin so small?
Cause when i take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover that i don't belong

So i tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If i make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way i see them

Are happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples?
With walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open to every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am i the only one who's traded in the altar for a stage?
The performace is convincing and we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching cacn we really fall apart

But would it set me free if i dared to let you see
the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay

(Stain Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns)

busy

Well this week should be a busy week for me, one that i'm not looking forward too.
Tomorrow i have to go reapply for Medicaid and then after that i have an appointment with my cardiologist, that should be fun. I'm being sarcastic. Then i'm going back to my mom's house, that part i'm looking forward to. But i'll have to miss my AMT meeting. Then tuesday i;ll be helping mom unpack her house probably. And then wednesday i have another wonderful dr's appointment, this time with a neurologist. I really don't want to go to that one either. And wednesday night if i'm not too tired from all the dr's visits, i'll be going to youth.

So that's part of my week, the rest i havent' planned out yet. Michael Rowan, he was my youth pastor in pensacola, is going to be in town this weekend and i want to go see him but i'm not sure how i'm going to get there yet. I don't like not being able to drive, it really bugs me

Still not much

Well i still don't have much to say. But i'm working on a couple different posts to add on here so it shouldn't be much longer before i post something more interesting.

Nothing new has happened today, pretty uneventful. After having so many eventful days it's nice to have a few uneventful ones. Anyway right now i'm really tired so i'm just babbling on and on, about random things. so good night everyone!

Pressing In

Wow!! Last night at Fire was amazing, actually that doesn't quite describe all that happened with me. God completely changed my life last night. For those of you weren't there Lou Engle spoke and he talked about alot of good things, like dreaming big. And he told alot of stories of how God has brought things to pass in his life. then he said something that to me is completely life changing. He was talking about breaking bad habits and stuff like that, and siad that if you pray everyday and really press in, for 40 days, that something will break ( bad habits) and God will give you a breakthrough. well when he said that he also told a few stories of times when people have been led by the Lord to press in hard for 40 days and they incredible breakthroughs in their lives.

Well i don't have many bad habits in my life but i am desperate for a breakthrough in my life, especially with my health. Last year God promised me that my breakthrough was coming and i still believe that it is even though there has been no sight of it. Iv'e pressed in for about 2 years now and have fought as hard as i can but instead of this disease getting better things have gotten worse and it's really scary right now. I've been wanting to go on somekind of fast and i feel that right now is the time for me to do it. I've been so frustrated with my life that part of me just doesn't want to fight anymore, and just give up. But last night i realized that i can't do that, and i've gotta keep fighting like i've never fought before. My life really does depend on it.

If anyone is reading this right now and is going through stuff and just wants to give up, don't!!! Keep fighting the good fight of faith! Hang in there, Jesus is faithful!!!

Cry Out to Jesus

I heard Third Day's new song last night and i really think it's perfect for what's going in the Southeast. It's really encouraging. Here are the lyrics:

" To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all the people with burdens and pains
keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
they lost all of their faith in love
They done all they can do to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you came back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame and your suffering

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus"
(Lyrics and music by Third Day)

The Sock Monster

Today i made a discovery!!! Have you ever wondered where you socks goes when you can't find them after being in the dryer? Well I discovered that there really is a sock monster and it lives in the Delsoge's dryer, and it may be in yours as well. I know that this is probably histrical and you probably think i've lost my mind mind, but i'm being serious, i haven't lost my mind. There really is a sock monster, dryer's really do eat socks and i have proof of it. The sock monster in my dryer favorite snack is my favorite socks, blue socks with little rubber duckies on them.

This is how i made this discoverey. Last night i was doing my laundry and my clothes were in the dryer, so i thought i would check on them cause sometimes they don't dry right. Well i opened up the dryer door and the lint screen was in the dryer and all of my clothes were tightly twisted and wrapped around it. It was actually funny cause they were so twisted so tight that i could barely get them undone. Well i thought that whole thing was kinda strange, then the dryer wouldn't go back on. so i left it over night and tried it this morning and it still wouldn't work. So Dr' Joe took the dryer apart to find out what was going on. and guess what he discovered, the sock monster, this dryer really eats socks. My blue sock with the rubber duckies on it was stuck in the blower part of the dryer. The funny part of it was that if it would of stayed there, it would eventualy have come back up through the lint screen thing. so i guess the sock monster might have acid reflux or something like that.

So beware if you;re missing a sock or two, you might have a sock monster living in you dryer.

Beautiful Day

Oh what a beautiful day! I haven't been outside yet but it looks so pretty out. I'm feeling much better today then i was yesterday! Thank You Jesus! I like life much better when i'm feeling good!

Another Day

Well today was one of those days that i wish will never happened again. I was so sick today. I did;t fall asleep till about 3 and woke up with a migraine. So i thought my blood pressure was high but it was really low this morning. Later on it went really high. So i was throwing up all day, it wasn't fun. Everytime i would try to eat something i wouldn't be able to keep it down. Yucky!

I was so tempted to go to the Er cause i just wanted some relief. I don't have medicine that works for migraines, and i couldn't keep anything down anything. I probably should of gone but i didn't want to go through all that,even though i was dehydrated, couldn't eat, and was in pain.

I really hate being sick, it frustrates me so much. It totally takes all of my energy from me. the good news is that last night i found a website about my disease. And it has alot of information and also a forum. I read some of things in the forum and it really encouraged me to see that there are others who are struggling with this disease and are just as frustrated as i am. And i've been learning alot of different facts and finding some answers to my question. I read that people with this disease, they use 3x's more energy just to do normal things like standing, then the average healthy person. No wonder i'm always tired.

Well i'm going to go for now!

Not Alone

"I'm not alone

i'm not alone

He never leaves me

He never leaves me"

This was one of the songs that Jason Upton sang while he was at FIRE this weekend. This song is so simple but so powerful, it went straight to my heart and really encouraged me so much! I think this song will be forever stuck in my head.

50

Wow i just look at the dashboard and saw that i've written 50 posts on this blog.That's amazing, at least i think so! Anyway that's what i wanted to tell the world this morning. And i love Jesus very much.

I heard Jason upton last night. and he sang a song that really could describe my life and how i feel about everything that is going on. so here are the words.

" I don't have the power
I don't even have a clue
I don't have all the answers
I don't even know a few
And if i were really honest
And the truth be known in me
It may sound a little funny
But this is what my prayer would be

I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You
I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You.
( Gideon by Jason upton)

Held

" This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
that the promise was when everything fell
We be held"
(held by Natalie Grant)

What shall i write about?

What shall i write about today?? Life hasn't been extremely exciting lately. the only things that have been going is, is me getting migraines and getting sick. And of course i won't gross everyone out with the details. Good news is that i'm feeling better today. And it's a beautful day outside!!!! This is my kind of weather.

I haven't done much today except write posts for my xanga and this blog. I was up in my room for awhile listening to Enter into the worship circle. Those cd's are really great.

That;s all for now.

Thank You Jesus!

Sorry it's been a few days since i last posted something. but this post should be worth the wait, cause it happened last night. Well yesterday morning i was feeling kinda weird, not quite sick yet but felt like i was going to be soon. Well by the afternoon, early evening i had another migraine. I had to go to our Alumni meeting that night, so i still went even though i was in alot of pain and felt really wiped out. Towards the end of the meeting they prayed for me for awhile and i felt God's presence but i still had the migraine. And that's something that i really don't understand, how i can be in God's presence and still be in pain. that's one of my million questions will i will save for another post. So back to my story, testimony... a little bit later, my friend Chad asked me if i was still in pain, so i told him that i was. So he prayed again, and kept praying till it left. And the migraine really went away, i was kinda surprised. I still felt wiped out from everything though. then later he prayed that i would have good night's sleep, which i really needed cuase i don't sleep well at all for the most part. And last night i sleep so good,it was wonderful!!!! and I didn't get a miagraine today at all. so thank You Jesus for touching me last night and today!!!! This is so cool!!

How Long?

"How long O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall i take counsel in my soul having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?"
Ps 13:1-2


I love the Psalms because i can relate to so much of what's written in them. And i love how David is so honest. He doesn't care about how it comes out or sounds, he just pours out his heart to God.

I have alot of questions right now, and the main one is " How much longer Lord?"
I've been going through constant "stuff" for well over a couple of years now. and most of the time it seems like i'm fighting an unending uphill battle. And there are times i would really like a break from all of it and just have a season of peace. I know that God has promised me a breakthrough but i can't help but wonder how much longer? I'm not about to give up but honestly i'm weary right now.

Boxes

Boxes..boxes..boxes and more boxes!! i don't want to see or lift or even touch another box after all the moving and unpacking i did today. i done with this moving thing for awhile or at least i hope so. i finally finished moving my stuff over to the Delsoges. Thank You Jen sooo much for helping me today! You're my hero!!! she did most of the moving for me. After we got everything moved in we went to Marble Slab and got ice cream. then it was back to my room to unpack,AHHH!!! It took forever and i thought i would get trapped in my room cause of all my stuff.

Well that's all i feel like writing right now.

Relaxing

Right now i'm lay now i'm laying in my bed (prompt up with lots of pillows so i'm nice and comfortable), typing on this laptop. Dr Joe is letting me use one of his laptops that has wireless internet, and he's going to try to hook me up with wireless internet in my room for my computer. Oh, life is so good sometimes! It's just nice to jsut take my time instead of always having to rush.

I tried out xanga and so far i don't like it that much. It has it pluses but honestly blogger is better for me. the only thing i like about it is that you can put different cd's and books on your posts. Other then that it's frustrating trying to get my xanga the way i want it to be. More then likely i'll keep this blog more updated then my xanga, so if there are people who really want to keep up with my excited sometime crazy at times life, then stick with my blog.

by the way today i thought of something to be very thankful for.. my legs! Without them i would be so short!! If you're wondering where this came from, I've been hanging around kids lately, and plus i'm very tired right now but won't go to sleep cause i'm having too much fun using this laptop.

Not a good week

Well this week was not a good week! It was very rough to say the least. Rough could be an understatement. Monday was actually probably the best day. I very felt good, well actually great for the first time in a long time. And that feeling lasted for the whole day not just a few hours. i was pretty shocked. i was helping at the office and was working on the computer all day, and i didn't get a miagraine!! Later i still felt great and went to the Local Alumni Gathering at Rocky River. It was fun but not alot of grads showed up. what's up with that?? anyway then a bunch of us went to someone's house and made smoothies and had some really good conversations. I really enjoyed it. It was very nice.

Then the next day i was at my sister's int he morning and was feeling a little strange. And by 12 i had a migraine and was throwing up. I didn't stop throwing up till 11 that night. In the middle of all that i went back to the Desloges, my new home and watched the Emperor's New Groove. I really like that movie, it's so funny.

today been ok but i'm still getting over being sick this week. Iv'e been getting sick too much lately and it's getting on my nerves.

Well i'll write more later